Life is what you make of it

After reading my first blog post, a friend confessed that she struggles with finding her voice and noted her surprise that I did as well. Her next statement stunned me and had me conducting an introspective analysis all week – “You make life look easy.” I do? Really? How? Since when?  How am I not even aware of that? Why am I not aware of that? And then I realized that our friendship developed after my major life events and that maybe she saw me using the coping tools that I gained from those experiences in stressful situations.  

Life is not easy for anyone, but I have come to realize that my life is what I make of it. No one else is responsible for my thoughts and actions but me. I have to be willing to use my voice. I have to be willing to put in the time and effort to assess how I respond to a situation, find tools that will help me cope, and then actively use those tools. Sitting in the driver's seat while cruising down the road of life, I oftentimes see open road and beautiful scenery. But, when I least expect it, there are signs along the road saying SLOW DOWN or CAUTION or DETOUR AHEAD. After these signs, I usually come across potholes, large and small. If I am paying attention to the signs, I am able to navigate carefully around, but sometimes I swerve recklessly. At other times, signs stating STOP or DANGER seem to pop up quickly because a sinkhole is looming right out of sight. I hit a sinkhole once in my life but averted another. I don't like sinkholes. Once is enough for me.

SINKHOLE: I was striving for excellence in my chosen career. I made a determined effort to climb the ladder of success as fast as I could. I wanted to be the best, and I put in the work needed and reaped the rewards. And then my mother became ill. I became Super Tanya, teleworking full-time so that I could care for her full-time – and during Hurricane Katrina no less. And then my mother died. I was grieving, while at the same time managing her estate, dealing with family and relationship issues, being promoted to management and leading a high profile project. With the pillar of my support network gone, I blindly ran the STOP sign and blew through the DANGER barricade. I found myself freefalling into a sinkhole! Yet, with the help of a therapist and my friends, I found coping tools that I began to use and shored up my support network, allowing me to climb out of the sinkhole with their assistance.

SINKHOLE AVERTED: During my thyroid cancer journey and resulting vocal cord paralysis, I began to skid towards another sinkhole, but I managed to stop in time by using the coping tools I had put in my tool box from my first sinkhole experience and learning new ones. I proactively sought out the therapist and spent quality time with my friends. My favorite memory of this time was when I was in isolation following radioactive iodine therapy, and my best friend called long distance every day to read me Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. I set up boundaries at work, turning in my blackberry and ending work outside of business hours. I joined a gym to strengthen my body and to help alleviate some of my stress. I learned the importance of my voice and how to use it. In fact, I learned to say NO! I began to laugh more. And most importantly, I began shifting my focus to being positive and living a more wholehearted life.

My life is not easy even if others perceive it to look so. I have to work darn hard at it! I still have a very demanding job and, with it, a lot of stress. Seriously, a lot of stress! Having no thyroid, I deal with medical issues on a daily basis. Of course, there are family and relationship challenges as well. And while I try to eat healthy, there are days that I slide back into stress eating. The difference is that now I am more aware of myself. I listen to my body. I seek out my support network. I laugh every day. If I slip into negativity or stress eating, I focus and do better the next day. And I believe in myself wholeheartedly!

LIFE LESSON: Life is not easy, but your life is what you make of it. Believe in yourself, and don't be ashamed to ask for assistance to avert a sinkhole or to get out of one!

Beauty in Vulnerability

After reading my first blog post, one of my dearest friends commented that its beauty lay in my vulnerability. A simple but powerful statement! Reclaiming Tanya is an outlet where I can express myself and share with you life lessons that I have learned or am still learning -- sometimes over and over again. I want to connect with you and show you that we all struggle and that you are not alone.  For you to trust me, I must open myself up to vulnerability.

Vulnerability is scary! Even as I type, there is a knot of fear in my stomach. What if no one relates to my blog? What if I get a call from my family telling me the gossip about my blog posting? What if people think I'm a freak? What if? What if?  What if?  In the past, the fear of vulnerability stopped me from blogging. I allowed that fear to minimize my voice.

However, vulnerability is also beautiful, like a tulip that blossoms in winter. Experiencing the beauty of vulnerability is amazing! When I embrace vulnerability, my experiences are deeper and richer. I learn more about myself, and I make stronger connections with others and learn from them. Yes, there have been times in my life when I let fear dictate, but I also have moved through the current of fear to experience the beauty on the other side of vulnerability.

For me, vulnerability is, at age 6, finding my father in the bathroom near death but having the courage to get my mother. The beauty in my vulnerability is that my father loved me unconditionally and guided me on my life path into early adulthood. He passed away when I was 19.

Vulnerability is, at age 34, sitting with my mother as the doctor confirms her diagnosis of inoperable lung cancer and goes over her treatment options. The beauty in our vulnerability is that we were able to spend quality time together in her last year that I will always cherish. In her final days, I told her it was okay for her to leave us. She told me that I was meant to live an extraordinary life.

For me, vulnerability is, at age 37, awakening after my thyroidectomy to be told by my surgeon that I have lost my ability to speak. The beauty in my vulnerability is that I learned the true power of positive thinking, and I not only regained my speech but am now reclaiming my voice! I also established deeper, richer connections with my friends who became my champions.

Vulnerabilty is, at age 39, acknowledging the painful end of a long term relationship and then being brave enough to date again. The beauty in my vulnerability is the wonderful life I share now with my lifemate Ben.  He makes me laugh every day and encourages me to pursue my dreams.

If you are interested in learning more about vulnerabilty, I encourage you to watch Brene Brown's 2010 TED talk on the power of vulnerability.

 

LIFE LESSON: Don't let fear stop you! Embrace vulnerability and find the beauty in it!