Owning a Child-free Life

I just finished reading Ever Upward, a non-fiction book written by Justine Brooks Froelker on how she overcame infertility losses to own a child-free life. In full disclosure, Justine and I are friends, and I am mentioned in the book. I purchased Ever Upward to support a friend, but what I got out of it was a whole lot more. Through her writing, Justine made me face my own struggles with infertility, and the accompanying shame, that I had tamped down inside myself.

Justine and I met at Emerging Women Live 2013, waiting for Brene Brown to sign our books. We realized that we were assigned to the same small group dinner led by Erin Weed and made plans to go together. During that dinner, Justine told us her story but in a clinical, matter of fact way. Yet, Erin pushed Justine to be vulnerable, demanding that she tell her story in her own words. With raw emotion, Justine said, "I will own and not just prove." And she has done just that with Ever Upward!

Justine's Story: Due to two major back surgeries in high school, it was not safe for Justine to carry a child. She told herself that she didn't want to be a parent, but with surrogacy, she and her husband Chad were given just that chance. Ever Upward takes us through through their search for a surrogate, Justine's infertility treatments resulting in the retrieval of 3 eggs, and their devastating loss when pregnancy did not result. Justine and Chad also know that adoption is not right for them. Justine speaks openly of the shame and depression she felt and how she emerged into being her own self again and embraced a child-free but child-full life. She tells her story as part of her healing, but also so that other women facing a similar situation will know that they are not alone.

My Story: I have always wanted to be a parent. Yet, I am not. As I waited on the father of my children to arrive in my life, I focused on my career. Year after year slipped away, but I didn't act on my desire because I felt like I still had time and didn't want to be a single parent. And then I met someone special and was ready to begin trying to conceive when I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Undergoing radioactive iodine treatment required a 1-year pregnancy ban as it could cause serious birth defects. As the ban ended so did my relationship, but the desire to be a mom strengthened. Speaking with my doctor, I remember her words, "I'm sorry Tanya, but it would be unwise to get pregnant. Your health is too delicate." I reached out to an infertility specialist who gave me hope and even lined up a sperm donor. Yet, I didn't go through with it. Having thyroid cancer puts me at greater risk for other endocrine cancers, and as I researched the infertility treatments, I could not be guaranteed that they wouldn't increase that risk further. And then I met Ben. He wants children as much as I do, but he is adamant that my health is more important. I am that dear to him.

Justine's story in Ever Upward resonated with me. I know the longing in my heart to be a mom. I know the shame of being childless in a world full of children. I experience pain when someone asks how many children I have or even worse, being a full-figured woman, when I'm due. Yet, like Justine, I have to own my story and continue to emerge into my own. Thanks for the reminder Justine!

If you are experiencing infertility or know someone who is, please consider reading Ever Upward.

Kundalini Yoga & Me

As part of my life shift (aka my healthy mid-life crisis), I decided to first focus on reducing my stress. It wasn't a hard decision since my doctor has been telling me to do this for the past year! She even suggested how to do it - take up Kundalini yoga. And after experiencing a meditation led by Gabrielle Bernstein at Emerging Women Live 2014, I was hooked!

I found a local yoga center that offers Kundalini yoga for beginners and quickly signed up for a class before I could lose my nerve. I know myself -- once I'm enrolled in an activity, I feel obligated to try it! Browsing the website, I noticed the suggestion to wear white clothing for energetic purposes. Huh? I favor black yoga pants and bright shirts. I don't own an all white outfit. I began to worry that I would not fit in! And what if I couldn't do the movements? Would people stare?

Yet, on Sunday night, I rolled out early for the yoga center. As I drove into the parking lot, I could not miss the entrance -- everyone was wearing white Indian garb, complete with turbans. I felt like I was playing the childhood game of "which one of these things isn't like the others?" and the answer was me in my black yoga pants, white top and hot pink shoes! My nervousness being in overdrive, I closed my eyes, breathed deeply, and transformed into my alter ego -- brave Tanya who will try anything even if she might fail. I exited the vehicle and entered the yoga studio.

I was met by the instructor, a lanky elderly white gentleman with a long white beard. He looked like a wizard except with a turban, instead of a magician's hat. I introduced myself and signed up for the 30 days for $30 special for new students. Then, I picked out a bright purple yoga mat and entered the classroom with my newfound bravery, only to stop short seeing the dais with pillows for the instructor to sit on and pictures of a yogi surrounded by flowers. I began to wonder if my mother was correct when she told me at age 10 that she worried that I was her child who was most likely to join a cult.

As the other beginners trekked in, I was relieved to see that I was not the only one with a unique sense of style. My wizardly yoga instructor sat crosslegged on his pillows and encouraged us to do the same. My glutes rebelled, but I persevered. Mind over matter, right? As the wizard led us through breathing exercises and chants, I began to feel calmer, more centered, and relaxed. Given my paralyzed vocal cord, I saw that yoga could also help me with increasing my lung capacity.

We gently stretched our arms and legs in different poses, and then the wizard (his nickname in my mind) told us to push ourselves off the ground while sitting crosslegged, only using our hands for leverage. Needless to say, I tried but failed...my butt never achieved lift off!

At one point, we were laying on our backs, breathing deeply in and out, the wizard began to play gong music. My body totally relaxed, and my mind quieted. And then I felt an inexplicable pressure, like that of a hand, pushing down on my right hip. I knew it wasn't anyone in the room causing the sensation, but I also wasn't scared. I'd like to think that I was being given spiritual comfort while I was in a deepened state of awareness. When the gong stopped, the pressure disappeared.

I surpassed my expectations of my first Kundalini yoga class. I showed up and was seen and wasn't afraid to fail. I will be going back, not only because I want to get my money's worth, but because I felt a calmness that I have been lacking in my life recently. I can understand why Elizabeth Gilbert went on her epic journey to an ashram in India. Not that I would do that...or maybe I would. A life shift is occurring after all. But, would I have to wear all white?

Life Shift

I had the pleasure of attending Emerging Women Live 2014 in New York City on October 9-12. It has taken this long for me to process my thoughts because EW is that powerful! According to Wokie Nwabueze, a speaker at EW, communication is the pathway between your soul and the world. For the past 3 months, I've let my communication channel -- this blog -- atrophy. My motherboard got fried in a storm...I went on vacation...work got busy...I experienced a health challenge. I had plenty of excuses, but if I'm being real with myself, I needed time to focus on the inner me because putting my life in a blog is being extremely vulnerable. It left me raw with emotion, and I needed to give myself TLC. Yet, all the while, I still had a deep need to share my story.

EW rejuvenated me. The positive vibes coming from the speakers and participants were crackling in the air! Most powerful to me was when Gabrielle Bernstein led us in a Kundalini yoga meditation. As the chant began, I was bathed in the love and positive energy in the room, and when we finished, everyone was crying. Yes, it was that powerful, and that's why I'm attending my first Kundalini yoga class this evening. And, Arianna Huffington packed a big punch with a simple statement: "However, great your job is, who you are as a person is more magnificent."

After EW ended that Sunday, I walked around Times Square and processed. I sat on the train back to Washington, DC and processed. In the weeks following, I went about my days, all the while still processing. It was like my brain was a giant computer which had important information input into it at EW, and it was going through a logarithm to spit out exactly what I would take away from the conference. And then on Tuesday evening as I was headed home, it hit me -- I need a life shift!

I've spent the past few days thinking how this life shift will occur and what exactly I will do. Simply put, I need to live the vision that I saw during my yoga meditation, pursuing both happiness and spirituality. I need to embrace love and not be afraid of fear. I need to strive for a healthy living. I need to help others. I need to have fun! And last but not least, I need to continue to tell my story in my authentic voice on this blog!

I can guarantee you that my life shift will be messy and funny. It will also be beautiful and life-changing. It is my life!

BCHS Class of 1989

Last weekend was my 25^th high school class reunion – Baldwin County High School Class of '89. While I wasn't there in person, I was there in spirit with my former classmates. Looking through all the photos of the reunion that were posted on Facebook by my classmates this week, I was taken back to my very first day on the BCHS campus.

I entered BCHS as a freshman the fall of 1985. I went from a class of around 40 students at my junior high school to about 400 in my freshman class. My plan for the first day was to keep a low profile until I got my bearings, but that didn't happen. I arrived at school with my brother, who was handsome, an upperclassman, a football player, and one of the most popular kids on campus. All morning, I had girls introducing themselves to me and asking if I was Tony's sister. Then, they would giggle, tell me how cute he was, and ask if he was dating anyone. Seriously!

Surviving my brother's fan club was easy compared to the reception that I received from some of the teachers. Yes, on the first day, my high school biology teacher singled me out in front of the class to let me know that, while I was the brightest at my junior high school, at best I would fade into mediocrity in high school. I also got called to the office that day for a conference between my dad and the Principal over my math class. I had registered for algebra but was instead placed in basic math. It resulted in a standoff where the Principal refused to move me, I refused to do any of the assignments in the class, and my parents went to the School Board. Two weeks later it was decided that if I made at least a C on the first algebra test that I could enter the class. The pressure was on me as the test was the next day and I didn't have the text book to study. Despite this, I made a B on the test and was finally placed in the correct class.

Luckily, the groupies soon dissipated. While I floated among the different social groups, I made a few strong friendships that lasted through the end of high school. We would mainly hang out at school and occasionally on the weekends. We laughed. We argued. We talked about boys. However, my dating life was practically non-existent – with the exception of my boyfriend freshman year and a dear male friend who took me to the big school dances. I was shy and extremely focused on my studies, and I think that guys were intimidated by me. I also think that they were scared of my brother. It would be interesting to hear my male classmates perspective 25 years later; so, speak up please!

Despite my biology teacher's warning, I excelled academically. I made straight A's, was named Most Likely to Succeed by my senior classmates, and graduated valedictorian. I was the first to walk out on the field to proudly receive my diploma, and despite all the tears, hugs, and promises made that night to friends that we would keep in touch, our lives took different paths and our friendships faded. Besides my cousin, I lost touch with everyone in my graduating class.

And then Facebook came along, and we began to reconnect. And I love it! I love to read the snippets of their lives, see pictures of their families, celebrate their successes, give comfort when needed, and of course, argue about college football (WAR EAGLE). So, here's to the next reunion and hoping that I'll be there to hug each and every one of y'all!

Division of Household Duties

Recently at lunch with some girl friends, we began to discuss our roles and responsibilities in our relationships with our partners. They both felt that they had relationships based on equality, talking about how they divide up the chores around the house. And then I announced, “Ben and I have an agreement. I take care of the inside of the house, and he's responsible for the outside.” There was silence, and then I strained to fill the void. “I'm from the South. My parents had the same agreement, and it worked for them.”

I grew up in rural Alabama in the 1970s and 1980s. My mom was a homemaker. She cooked all our meals, except one Sunday a month when my dad made breakfast or when he grilled during the summer. My mom would always rise before my brother and me to ensure that our breakfast was ready before she woke us up. Until we were old enough for chores, my mom did it all. She made beds, swept, mopped, vacuumed, dusted, cleaned bathrooms, washed dishes, did the laundry, and ironed. She made our house a home. She was my role model.

As I said, my parents assigned chores to my brother and me when we were old enough. Kitchen duties were equally assigned – setting and clearing the table, washing dishes, and taking out the trash. Then, while my brother helped my dad outside, I made my brother's bed, cleaned his room, and did his laundry. And I thought nothing of it – until my freshman year in college when one of my friends was outraged by my admission. Didn't I know that we were in the age of equality? Why would I allow myself to be oppressed? One of the key functions that I identified with womanhood was devalued in that conversation. I personally did not feel oppressed but felt guilty that I didn't. Then, I worried that I was in denial of being oppressed.

Fast forward to today. I am in a loving relationship with Ben, and we live together as partners. Our relationship is perfectly imperfect. It is unconventionally traditional. And it right for us – for him and for me. I know because we discussed our roles and responsibilities before we moved in together, and we check in with one another and adjust if necessary.

What is my role in our relationship? My role is to be true to who I am. With Ben, the woman that I am is predominantly a lover, a nurturer, and a jokester. I love to make him laugh. I derive pleasure from his happiness. It is fulfilling to me to take care of him in a way that I know he appreciates.

After reading the Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, we realized that Ben's love language is acts of service. That is, he identifies my love for him through the things that I do for him. He especially loves it when I take time to cook a meal from scratch. Honestly, it is one of my least favorite household tasks, but then I saw it through his eyes. That is why, last Tuesday evening, I found myself in a basic cooking class, learning how to julienne vegetables and to properly cut chicken (at an angle) for a stir fry. And I totally enjoyed myself!

Let me be clear that I am not oppressed, and neither am I in denial. My self-worth is not determined by what Ben thinks of me and my housecleaning skills. It is internally derived knowing that I am satisfying an intrinsic part of my nature – that of a nurturer.

LIFE LESSON: Be true to who you are when determining your role in a relationship.

Emerging Woman

Lately, I've been thinking about my role as a woman – in my relationship with Ben, in the larger community, and in the world. One thing that I know for sure is that I am an emerging woman!  Over the next month, I'll be devoting blog space to write about my internal discussions on this topic and what I realized is my truth. But first, I want to discuss the defining moment that got me to the point of being able to have that honest discussion with myself.

Last October in Boulder, Colorado, I experienced a life-changing event – Emerging Women Live! It was the vision of Chantal Pierrat, a former Peace Corps volunteer, to bring together women around the globe who want to change the world by living their own personal truths. I was initially drawn to Emerging Women because Brene Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert were listed as keynote speakers. And their talks were fucking amazing! Brene encouraged us not to engineer our lives to be small but instead to dare greatly and live our own personal truths. Liz taught us that ideas find people and that inspiration is always happening. You only have to clear yourself and be welcoming.

Every session at Emerging Women had me enthralled, and I learned something new from each one. Tara Mohr taught us how to recognize a calling and encouraged us to PLAY BIG and be more loyal to your dreams than your fears. Kristin Wheeler taught us how to find and live our native genius, while Kristin Neff taught us the importance of choosing self-compassion over self-esteem. And Sera Beak fired up our souls!

Emerging Women was way more than just speeches. It was an atmosphere like none other! Emerging Women was open...inviting...a safe space to speak our dreams. Emerging Women was women supporting women, providing encouragement and being caring and kind. I have never experienced anything like it before in my life, but I want to emulate it every day!

It was in this safe space that I began to speak my dream. It began to surface during the Workshop on The Art & Business of Thought Leadership, led by Erin Weed. Erin helps prepare TED TALK presenters to deliver their message. She led us through an exercise of delivering our gift to the world by each of us telling our story, delivering our personal truth, identifying the universal truth, and summing it all up in one word. My word: BELIEVE. I met Erin again that night as I was assigned to her small-group dinner, and we discussed my cancer journey and vocal cord paralysis, my personal truth and how to get my message out. Spoken out loud twice in one day, my dream seemed real and tangible. I saw Erin again the next day, and her words still resonate with me – “Go out and tell your truth! It's fucking awesome! I would definitely follow your blog or newsletter!” Her motivation worked because here I am!

Emerging Women was also about developing relationships with other attendees. It was bonding with Justine of http://everupward.org/ while waiting in line to meet Brene Brown and then hearing her personal truth of life after failed IVF at the small-group dinner with Erin. It was Sarah's welcoming smile and instant friendship and how jazzed she was to speak with her inspiration, Sera Beak.  It was opening up, being who I am, and living my personal truth with all the fabulous women at the conference, and then being honored to share their personal truths as well! It was awesome!

I can't wait to do it again this October in New York City! And I hope you join me! If you want to learn more, go to http://www.emergingwomen.com/.

My Kindle Addiction

My partner Ben had an epiphany about me on Saturday. It was in the morning, and I was quietly reading in the living room. He looked down at me from the balcony and said, “You have an addictive personality.” I asked how he made that deduction. His response: “You never put down your Kindle. I've watched you for the past month, and you're reading every chance you get. You are addicted to your Kindle!” Sadly, it's true.

I first realized that I have an addictive personality the summer before sixth grade. My parents bought an Atari, and I spent a large part of every day playing Frogger to the exclusion of all else. Getting to the next level was like a drug for me. When school started again, I made the wise decision to give up video games because I knew that I was addicted. So, I went cold turkey. To this day, I don't play games on Facebook, and I've never owned a Nintendo, Playstation or Wi.

Knowing that I have an addictive personality, I never experimented with smoking or drugs for fear of where that experimentation would lead. I also rarely drink alcohol or gamble, and if I do, I set strict limits. I thought that I had all my bases covered until I realized that I had an addiction to Coca-Cola, which began around sixth grade. I drank Coke every day, and when stressed, I would immediately reach for a Coke. It was my coping mechanism. And then last year, I began feeling horrible when I drank Coke. My eyelids would break out, and I would get headaches, nausea, and hives. Yet, despite feeling ill, I would have such intense cravings that I would drink another Coke. I was tested for allergies and was found to be allergic to two ingredients in soft drinks. I also found out that ingesting foods to which I am allergic causes the pleasure centers of my brain to light up, making me crave them more. I again went cold turkey. It has been nine months since I had a Coke, and I still have intense cravings. If I see a Coke, I can taste the flavor and feel the bubbles. This is why my house is a Coke-free zone.

As you probably guessed, there is a pattern to my addictions. When I stopped drinking Coke, I substituted reading as my coping mechanism. If I get stressed, out comes the Kindle for a break from reality. Yes, I am addicted to reading! I take my Kindle everywhere. The one-click button is my downfall! My favorite time of the day is riding the Metro to and from work because I can read uninterrupted. If you have to have an addiction, I would assume that reading is a better one to have. At least I am exercising my brain, instead of killing off brain cells!

Still, having Ben call me on it, made me aware that by reading so much, I am missing out on being present in the moment. But this addiction is tricky...it's not possible to go cold turkey and give up reading. I realized that I am going to have to wean the hours that I read down. So, today, I limited myself to a morning of reading (hey it was a holiday!) and then promised Ben that I would put my Kindle away. Okay, it helped that my battery ran low, and I admit that I did sneak and download a couple of books. However, I haven't read anything on the Kindle since this morning, even though I am jonesing too!

I know that as I go through the weaning process, I will need to be vigilant to prevent myself from going mindlessly into another addiction. And, more importantly, I need to analyze why I am using all these coping mechanisms and then be willing to work on resolving those issues.  My life is definitely a work in progress!  

LIFE LESSON: Addictions come in all forms, not just alcohol, drugs, or gambling. Even reading can be an addiction if you singly focus on it to the detriment of other parts of your life. Don't be afraid to be present in the moment!

A Grandmother's Wisdom

My Grandmother

 My grandmother celebrated her 91^st birthday yesterday. She totally rocked it! She grew up in the South during the Great Depression, raised by a widowed mother with a house full of children. In her early teens, she fell in love and married my grandfather. They worked the family farm together until he passed away in 2007. She was a widow after 68 years of marriage.

My grandmother is interspersed throughout my childhood memories. If there was a child, there was a chore to be completed! I am an expert dishwasher because of her! By her side, I learned how to milk a cow, to churn butter, to make grape jelly, and to plant a garden. I loved sitting with her on her front porch shelling peas and beans during the summer.

My grandmother is a fabulous cook! Her homemade biscuits with honey and a glass of sweet tea makes a tummy ache quickly disappear! Her chicken and dumplings are delicious, and her squash pie is THE BEST EVER! I will fight anyone over the last slice of that pie, and I will win! Unfortunately, I was too busy washing dishes to learn how to cook from her!  Well, except that I make a wicked squash pie if I do say so myself!    

In my early adulthood, I rebelled at the life my grandmother wanted for me. She wanted all her granddaughters to be married at 18 or soon after so that our husbands would take care and provide for us. I wanted to take care of myself. She wanted me to live close by. I wanted to explore the world. My grandmother wanted me to have the life that she knew and that was comfortable to her. I wanted the life that I dreamed about. As I lived my true life, her views evolved. When others commented negatively to her that I wasn't married, she began telling them that she didn't worry about me as I could take care of myself. When discussing the possibility of marriage recently, my grandmother surprised me by saying that it doesn't matter if Ben and I ever get married, as long as we are in love and are committed to each other. She said that we should get married if that's what we want to do, but not because others expect it of us.

My grandmother and I have become even closer since my mother and grandfather died. She is the mother-figure in my life. I call her when I need comfort and prayer. I call her when I need advice. Below are two major life lessons that I have learned from her that I wanted to share.

1. It is better to laugh than cry.

Life may be difficult, but you feel better if you laugh. She learned this from her mother when she was growing up in the Great Depression. I love seeing her with Ben because the two of them never stop laughing! During her birthday call, I told her that she needed to tell Ben to stop tickling me. Her response: Tickling is good for the soul!

2. Believe

My grandmother is both religious and spiritual. She is a firm believer in the power of prayer. It is not unusual to hear her speaking in tongues when she feels led by God and for healing to occur. I pray, but when you add my grandmother's prayers to mine, it's like electricity fills the air. She definitely taps into positive energy and sends it flowing to the person in need. I tell her that she has a hotline to God!