BCHS Class of 1989

Last weekend was my 25^th high school class reunion – Baldwin County High School Class of '89. While I wasn't there in person, I was there in spirit with my former classmates. Looking through all the photos of the reunion that were posted on Facebook by my classmates this week, I was taken back to my very first day on the BCHS campus.

I entered BCHS as a freshman the fall of 1985. I went from a class of around 40 students at my junior high school to about 400 in my freshman class. My plan for the first day was to keep a low profile until I got my bearings, but that didn't happen. I arrived at school with my brother, who was handsome, an upperclassman, a football player, and one of the most popular kids on campus. All morning, I had girls introducing themselves to me and asking if I was Tony's sister. Then, they would giggle, tell me how cute he was, and ask if he was dating anyone. Seriously!

Surviving my brother's fan club was easy compared to the reception that I received from some of the teachers. Yes, on the first day, my high school biology teacher singled me out in front of the class to let me know that, while I was the brightest at my junior high school, at best I would fade into mediocrity in high school. I also got called to the office that day for a conference between my dad and the Principal over my math class. I had registered for algebra but was instead placed in basic math. It resulted in a standoff where the Principal refused to move me, I refused to do any of the assignments in the class, and my parents went to the School Board. Two weeks later it was decided that if I made at least a C on the first algebra test that I could enter the class. The pressure was on me as the test was the next day and I didn't have the text book to study. Despite this, I made a B on the test and was finally placed in the correct class.

Luckily, the groupies soon dissipated. While I floated among the different social groups, I made a few strong friendships that lasted through the end of high school. We would mainly hang out at school and occasionally on the weekends. We laughed. We argued. We talked about boys. However, my dating life was practically non-existent – with the exception of my boyfriend freshman year and a dear male friend who took me to the big school dances. I was shy and extremely focused on my studies, and I think that guys were intimidated by me. I also think that they were scared of my brother. It would be interesting to hear my male classmates perspective 25 years later; so, speak up please!

Despite my biology teacher's warning, I excelled academically. I made straight A's, was named Most Likely to Succeed by my senior classmates, and graduated valedictorian. I was the first to walk out on the field to proudly receive my diploma, and despite all the tears, hugs, and promises made that night to friends that we would keep in touch, our lives took different paths and our friendships faded. Besides my cousin, I lost touch with everyone in my graduating class.

And then Facebook came along, and we began to reconnect. And I love it! I love to read the snippets of their lives, see pictures of their families, celebrate their successes, give comfort when needed, and of course, argue about college football (WAR EAGLE). So, here's to the next reunion and hoping that I'll be there to hug each and every one of y'all!

Division of Household Duties

Recently at lunch with some girl friends, we began to discuss our roles and responsibilities in our relationships with our partners. They both felt that they had relationships based on equality, talking about how they divide up the chores around the house. And then I announced, “Ben and I have an agreement. I take care of the inside of the house, and he's responsible for the outside.” There was silence, and then I strained to fill the void. “I'm from the South. My parents had the same agreement, and it worked for them.”

I grew up in rural Alabama in the 1970s and 1980s. My mom was a homemaker. She cooked all our meals, except one Sunday a month when my dad made breakfast or when he grilled during the summer. My mom would always rise before my brother and me to ensure that our breakfast was ready before she woke us up. Until we were old enough for chores, my mom did it all. She made beds, swept, mopped, vacuumed, dusted, cleaned bathrooms, washed dishes, did the laundry, and ironed. She made our house a home. She was my role model.

As I said, my parents assigned chores to my brother and me when we were old enough. Kitchen duties were equally assigned – setting and clearing the table, washing dishes, and taking out the trash. Then, while my brother helped my dad outside, I made my brother's bed, cleaned his room, and did his laundry. And I thought nothing of it – until my freshman year in college when one of my friends was outraged by my admission. Didn't I know that we were in the age of equality? Why would I allow myself to be oppressed? One of the key functions that I identified with womanhood was devalued in that conversation. I personally did not feel oppressed but felt guilty that I didn't. Then, I worried that I was in denial of being oppressed.

Fast forward to today. I am in a loving relationship with Ben, and we live together as partners. Our relationship is perfectly imperfect. It is unconventionally traditional. And it right for us – for him and for me. I know because we discussed our roles and responsibilities before we moved in together, and we check in with one another and adjust if necessary.

What is my role in our relationship? My role is to be true to who I am. With Ben, the woman that I am is predominantly a lover, a nurturer, and a jokester. I love to make him laugh. I derive pleasure from his happiness. It is fulfilling to me to take care of him in a way that I know he appreciates.

After reading the Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, we realized that Ben's love language is acts of service. That is, he identifies my love for him through the things that I do for him. He especially loves it when I take time to cook a meal from scratch. Honestly, it is one of my least favorite household tasks, but then I saw it through his eyes. That is why, last Tuesday evening, I found myself in a basic cooking class, learning how to julienne vegetables and to properly cut chicken (at an angle) for a stir fry. And I totally enjoyed myself!

Let me be clear that I am not oppressed, and neither am I in denial. My self-worth is not determined by what Ben thinks of me and my housecleaning skills. It is internally derived knowing that I am satisfying an intrinsic part of my nature – that of a nurturer.

LIFE LESSON: Be true to who you are when determining your role in a relationship.

Emerging Woman

Lately, I've been thinking about my role as a woman – in my relationship with Ben, in the larger community, and in the world. One thing that I know for sure is that I am an emerging woman!  Over the next month, I'll be devoting blog space to write about my internal discussions on this topic and what I realized is my truth. But first, I want to discuss the defining moment that got me to the point of being able to have that honest discussion with myself.

Last October in Boulder, Colorado, I experienced a life-changing event – Emerging Women Live! It was the vision of Chantal Pierrat, a former Peace Corps volunteer, to bring together women around the globe who want to change the world by living their own personal truths. I was initially drawn to Emerging Women because Brene Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert were listed as keynote speakers. And their talks were fucking amazing! Brene encouraged us not to engineer our lives to be small but instead to dare greatly and live our own personal truths. Liz taught us that ideas find people and that inspiration is always happening. You only have to clear yourself and be welcoming.

Every session at Emerging Women had me enthralled, and I learned something new from each one. Tara Mohr taught us how to recognize a calling and encouraged us to PLAY BIG and be more loyal to your dreams than your fears. Kristin Wheeler taught us how to find and live our native genius, while Kristin Neff taught us the importance of choosing self-compassion over self-esteem. And Sera Beak fired up our souls!

Emerging Women was way more than just speeches. It was an atmosphere like none other! Emerging Women was open...inviting...a safe space to speak our dreams. Emerging Women was women supporting women, providing encouragement and being caring and kind. I have never experienced anything like it before in my life, but I want to emulate it every day!

It was in this safe space that I began to speak my dream. It began to surface during the Workshop on The Art & Business of Thought Leadership, led by Erin Weed. Erin helps prepare TED TALK presenters to deliver their message. She led us through an exercise of delivering our gift to the world by each of us telling our story, delivering our personal truth, identifying the universal truth, and summing it all up in one word. My word: BELIEVE. I met Erin again that night as I was assigned to her small-group dinner, and we discussed my cancer journey and vocal cord paralysis, my personal truth and how to get my message out. Spoken out loud twice in one day, my dream seemed real and tangible. I saw Erin again the next day, and her words still resonate with me – “Go out and tell your truth! It's fucking awesome! I would definitely follow your blog or newsletter!” Her motivation worked because here I am!

Emerging Women was also about developing relationships with other attendees. It was bonding with Justine of http://everupward.org/ while waiting in line to meet Brene Brown and then hearing her personal truth of life after failed IVF at the small-group dinner with Erin. It was Sarah's welcoming smile and instant friendship and how jazzed she was to speak with her inspiration, Sera Beak.  It was opening up, being who I am, and living my personal truth with all the fabulous women at the conference, and then being honored to share their personal truths as well! It was awesome!

I can't wait to do it again this October in New York City! And I hope you join me! If you want to learn more, go to http://www.emergingwomen.com/.