2014 in Review

Wow, it's December 31, 2014! Tomorrow is a new year – a time where I set new intentions. But first, I want to take today to reflect on 2014.

January – March 2014

• It snowed and snowed and snowed. I shoveled a lot of snow.
• There was no balance in my work-life balance. The scales tipped strongly towards work.
• As a creative outlet, I began writing this blog!

April – June 2014

• I began to burn out from all the stress and was diagnosed with adrenal fatigue and high inflammation levels.
• I decided to address my work-life imbalance by taking a trip with my best friend to Las Vegas to see Britney Spears in concert!
• I took a 3-week basic cooking class at CulinAerie. Now I know how to use a knife properly and how to julienne!

July – September 2014

• Ben and I trekked to Jiffy Lube Live to see KISS, Def Lepperd and Lynryd Skynyrd in concert!
• I turned 43! For my birthday, my best friend gave me a copy of Thrive by Arianna Huffington. It helped change my life!
• I spoke at the White House. Seriously! It was amazing!
• Ben and I took a week-long road trip through New England. I crossed off my bucket list visiting Vermont, New Hampshire and Maine.  Only 16 more states to go!
• I spent a weekend with Oprah and 10,000 others during Oprah's Live the Life You Want tour in Washington, DC. Seeing Oprah - another item crossed off my bucket list!

October – December 2014

• I attended Emerging Women Live 2014 in New York City! I met some amazing women, including Arianna Huffington, and decided I needed a lifeshift after doing a meditation with Gabrielle Bernstein!
• I became a blogger at the Huffington Post Blog, reaching thousands of people so far and hopefully inspiring them! Another bucket list achievement!
• To help reduce stress and my fatigue, I began taking Kundalini Yoga and started seeing a nutritionist. I even braved a 10-day detoxification cleanse!

In a nutshell, I worked a lot, got sick, and then remembered the goal that I set during my cancer journey to balance work and life and get healthy. I believe that everything happens for a reason. Once I refocused this year, amazing things began to occur. I had some kick ass experiences and met some awesome people, all of whom have touched my life in a special way. 2014 was a great year with a few not so great moments. It was a year that I needed. 

I can't wait to see what 2015 holds! Happy New Year!

Christmas 2014

Christmas 2014

As a child, Christmas was a magical time of year for me. We weren't allowed to decorate our Christmas tree until after December 11, my sister's birthday. But, on December 12, the tree and Christmas decorations went up, and my parents went to baking all kinds of Christmas goodies. On Christmas Eve, we would attend the Christmas Eve service and then my mom's family would gather together to exchange gifts. And on Christmas morning, my brother and I would rush into the living room to see all the presents from Santa and would wake our parents with our screams of delight! After we had opened our gifts and played with our new toys, we would head to our grandparent's home for Christmas dinner. There, we would quickly eat and then spend the rest of the day playing with our cousins. My Christmases as a child were filled with love, laughter, and joy!

And then I became an adult. Christmas lost its magic. It became filled with sadness, lies, broken promises, fear, and then cancer. It's only been since Ben came into my life that I've begun to truly enjoy Christmas again. But still I have my moments. This Christmas season, I sent out Christmas cards and gifts of love to my family as usual, but for the first time in years, I finally allowed myself to cry when my family forgot about me yet again. It was a good cathartic cry. Ben just held me as my heartache poured out with my tears. My best friend called and simply said, “That's why you have friends...because we care about you.”

So, on Christmas morning, I woke up to gifts from Ben, his family, and my friends under the Christmas tree. And as I opened each gift, I could feel the love and the thought that was put into each selection. I hope that they could feel my love to them when they opened theirs as well. I then made a Southern-style Christmas dinner for the two of us, and we spoke to my grandmother and Ben's family on the phone. And then we simply enjoyed being together. It was another step in my lifeshift to make a healthy living for myself.  

Happy Thanksgiving

Happy Thanksgiving from our home to yours! May you experience peace, love, and great food on this day!

Ben and I are spending a quiet day at home. We usually travel to celebrate Thanksgiving with his family; however, we both have to work tomorrow. So, we decided to make Thanksgiving as relaxing as possible! No thoughts of the outside world today! And thanks to Wegmans, our Thanksgiving meal is already prepared!

Our 2014 Happy Turkey

We ordered an antibiotic free, vegetarian fed, humanely raised turkey (aka Happy Turkey), complete with turkey gravy, stuffing, mashed potatoes, whipped sweet potatoes, green been casserole, and cranberry relish. Instead of having to cook all day long, the entire meal will only take 3 hours to heat up! However, before you think that I totally flaked on cooking for Thanksgiving, I did make an organic pumpkin pie for today's dessert!

Tanya's Organic Pumpkin Pie

So, what are we doing with all our spare time today? We slept in late. I made breakfast for us and then took a long, hot bubble bath. I'm decked out in my sweats and he in his jeans. He's ready to watch football. I'm going to read a novel and sew on my quilt. We'll call family later in the day. I'm also pretty sure that some cuddling will go on and napping will occur. Add that to an already cooked meal, pumpkin pie, and some wine, and we have a perfect Thanksgiving day!

Happy Thanksgiving everyone! 

Date with a Nutritionist

As part of my lifeshift (aka my healthy mid-life crisis), I set the intention that I would strive for a healthier living. So, I made an appointment with a nutritionist. On the phone, she indicated that she would email me a form to fill out, which shouldn't take more than 30 minutes, and asked that I also keep a food log over a 3-day period.  When the form arrived in my inbox, I promptly forgot about it.

My memory was jogged while looking at my iPhone calendar the day before the appointment.  So, I frantically tried to remember what I had eaten for the past 3 days. And then I had to remind myself to be honest about it! Lying to your nutritionist about your eating habits before the first meeting is like lying to a first date about your height or weight. It's not going to get you what you want in the end!

And then, I came to the form -- you know the one that should take only 30 minutes to fill out. So, 2 hours later, I had laid myself bare in my responses. And when I say bare, think "naked on a busy street" bare.  There was not an intrusive question about my body habits that she didn't ask. We're talking how many times a day, week, month, year I have sex! Not even my doctor knows the shape of my poop, and I promise not to share it here!  But the nutritionist wanted to know!

During our session, I set goals to be healthier overall, to reduce stress, and to lose weight. The nutritionist asked me to think of her as a lifestyle coach who will help me get to the root cause of my issues surrounding food and do it in a functional manner. So, now I have my own food therapist!

I was pleasantly surprised at our meeting not to be attached to a torture rack in order to spill more secrets. However, she did weigh me and take my blood pressure. She also gave me a zinc test to see if I was zinc deficient.  It consisted of swishing liquid zinc in my mouth for 30 seconds and then describing the taste. Of course, I broke out in hives because I had forgotten that I have a zinc sensitivity! 

Until our next meeting, we agreed that I would focus on eating a healthier breakfast.  I've been testing out different smoothies.  Believe me when I say that not every combination is tasty! But I think of it as a science experiment! She also suggested that I drink a tablespoon of apple cider vinegar (the kind with the mother) with water before each meal to reduce acid reflux. That actually seems to have helped.

The verdict: I'm going to see her again.  She had a positive but realistic attitude, and I think that she'll help me eat all my veggies!





     

Blogging Success

I am excited to share my first post in the Huffington Post Blog: 
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tanya-rasa/reclaiming-my-voice_b_6117858.html!

Last month, I attended Emerging Women Live 2014, at which Arianna Huffington spoke.  I approached her to thank her for writing Thrive and mentioned that I only learned to really thrive after having thyroid cancer and losing my voice. She graciously listened, gave me her business card, and asked me to share my story. During the conference, Tara Mohr encouraged us to Play Big and set an intention to do one thing that would move us forward toward our goal within two weeks.  I set my intention to send Arianna my story. Then, Gabrielle Bernstein led us through a powerful yoga meditation, where she encouraged us to focus on positive thoughts because whatever we were thinking would be magnified.  One of my visions during that meditation was seeing my story on the Huffington Post Blog!

Yet, did I immediately send an email to Arianna when I got home? No. Life got in the way. One week went by.  And then those pesky fears began to show themselves. You know the ones: Who am I to think that I can get published on the Huffington Post Blog? Was my story really that inspiring to get that type of coverage? As the second week drew to a close, I sat myself down and gave myself a "talking to," in my mother's words. And in that meeting with my inner voice, I made the following statement, "I won't know if I don't try. I can't succeed if I don't try. So try already!"

So, I poured out my story in an email to Arianna and hit send. I assumed it would be a long wait and that I would get a response from an assistant eventually. Imagine my surprise when I received a lovely response from Arianna within the hour! And now my story is published on the Huffington Post Blog! Freaking amazing!

The responses that I have received to my post have been so uplifting! Friends who were my voice when I couldn't speak sent me messages about how I inspired them while I went through my cancer journey. My family spoke of the strength that they've seen in me my entire life. A childhood friend thanked me for the lesson that she received from the blog, and another thyroid cancer survivor recounted her story of overcoming her vocal cord struggles by singing. And my EW sisters continue to give me support and encourage me to use my voice!  Thank you all!
 

Vestiges of Thyroid Cancer

I am a thyroid cancer survivor. While undergoing a routine physical, my doctor noticed a lump in my neck and ordered an ultrasound. When the ultrasound showed a nodule greater than 1 cm, she ordered a fine needle aspiration (FNA). Going into the procedure, I was comforted by the fact that 95 percent of thyroid nodules are benign. Mine came back suspicious for cancer. A second FNA confirmed that I was in the 1 percent of the U.S. population diagnosed with thyroid cancer.

Both my doctor and my surgeon assured me that my cancer was “the best cancer to have,” as there is a 5-year survival rate of over 97 percent. I was told that I needed surgery to remove my thyroid and then I would have to take a pill a day for the rest of my life but that I would be able to lead a normal life. Sounds easy, right? Not so fast! Since I underwent my thyroidectomy 5 years ago, I've experienced a number of complications:

• Vocal cord paralysis resulting in the loss of speech;
• Decreased lung capacity due to the paralysis;
• Difficulty swallowing;
• Calcium deficiency as my parathyroid glands were touched during surgery;
• Pregnancy ban for 1 year;
• Allergies, including to my life-saving thyroid medication;
• Fast pulse and heart palpitations;
• Anxiety;
• Fatigue and brain fog;
• Dry mouth; 
• Burning mouth; and
• Dry eyes.

Thyroid cancer patients have to be placed in a hyperthyroid state to keep the cancer away, but it is difficult to get the correct dosage that also minimizes the myriad of side effects. So, instead of one pill a day, I currently take 15 pills daily! In addition, my cancer had spread outside of my thyroid; so, I had to undergo radioactive iodine treatment. Under quarantine, I took my radioactive pill and engaged in a nuclear war with my renegade thyroid cells! However, at the 1-year mark, my endocrinologist told me that she may never be able to declare me in remission.

Sounds horrible, right? How can any doctor say that I have the “best cancer?” Looking back on the last five years, I could easily have become depressed, but instead I chose to be happy and find ways to thrive.

• When I was told that my vocal cord paralysis was permanent after a year with no voice, I used visualization techniques daily for 6 months, believing that I would one day speak again. According to my ENT, it was a one in a million chance to be able to speak normally and scream with a paralyzed vocal cord. I did it!
• When my endocrinologist told me that I may never be in remission, it could have devastated me, but instead, I simply said, “I am in remission. You just don't realize it yet!” I never stopped believing, and at the 4-year mark, she finally agreed with my assessment!
• When I take my thyroid medication upon waking each morning, I give thanks that I am alive and have a beautiful life! It's a daily reminder to start the day out right!
• I stay in tune with my body, exercising regularly and striving (though not always achieving) to get 8 hours of sleep a night. I've recently begun taking a kundalini yoga class to help build my lung capacity and reduce stress.
• I embrace laughter. My domestic partner takes his job of making me laugh seriously. He has me in stitches every day! And my 91-year old grandmother is a riot! Laughter is truly the best medicine!
• I created a bucket list. My list stretches me to get outside my comfort zone, to try new things, and to live life to the fullest. One of my goals is to run a 5K, which has been unattainable to date because of my decreased lung capacity, but I've set the intention and know that I'll be successful even if I have to crawl over the finish line wearing an oxygen mask! And after that, I want to go hiking in Nepal!

Yes, I face challenges in my life as a result of the vestiges of thyroid cancer. There are days that I don't have the energy to get out of bed, but I do anyway. There are days that I can't think clearly, but I laugh about it and keep trying. Why? Because every day is a miracle to me. That I am alive without my thyroid, the organ that regulates the body, is a miracle! That I regained my speech is a miracle! That I am in remission is a miracle! Yes, I live with the vestiges of thyroid cancer. As a result, my life is so much richer!

Owning a Child-free Life

I just finished reading Ever Upward, a non-fiction book written by Justine Brooks Froelker on how she overcame infertility losses to own a child-free life. In full disclosure, Justine and I are friends, and I am mentioned in the book. I purchased Ever Upward to support a friend, but what I got out of it was a whole lot more. Through her writing, Justine made me face my own struggles with infertility, and the accompanying shame, that I had tamped down inside myself.

Justine and I met at Emerging Women Live 2013, waiting for Brene Brown to sign our books. We realized that we were assigned to the same small group dinner led by Erin Weed and made plans to go together. During that dinner, Justine told us her story but in a clinical, matter of fact way. Yet, Erin pushed Justine to be vulnerable, demanding that she tell her story in her own words. With raw emotion, Justine said, "I will own and not just prove." And she has done just that with Ever Upward!

Justine's Story: Due to two major back surgeries in high school, it was not safe for Justine to carry a child. She told herself that she didn't want to be a parent, but with surrogacy, she and her husband Chad were given just that chance. Ever Upward takes us through through their search for a surrogate, Justine's infertility treatments resulting in the retrieval of 3 eggs, and their devastating loss when pregnancy did not result. Justine and Chad also know that adoption is not right for them. Justine speaks openly of the shame and depression she felt and how she emerged into being her own self again and embraced a child-free but child-full life. She tells her story as part of her healing, but also so that other women facing a similar situation will know that they are not alone.

My Story: I have always wanted to be a parent. Yet, I am not. As I waited on the father of my children to arrive in my life, I focused on my career. Year after year slipped away, but I didn't act on my desire because I felt like I still had time and didn't want to be a single parent. And then I met someone special and was ready to begin trying to conceive when I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer. Undergoing radioactive iodine treatment required a 1-year pregnancy ban as it could cause serious birth defects. As the ban ended so did my relationship, but the desire to be a mom strengthened. Speaking with my doctor, I remember her words, "I'm sorry Tanya, but it would be unwise to get pregnant. Your health is too delicate." I reached out to an infertility specialist who gave me hope and even lined up a sperm donor. Yet, I didn't go through with it. Having thyroid cancer puts me at greater risk for other endocrine cancers, and as I researched the infertility treatments, I could not be guaranteed that they wouldn't increase that risk further. And then I met Ben. He wants children as much as I do, but he is adamant that my health is more important. I am that dear to him.

Justine's story in Ever Upward resonated with me. I know the longing in my heart to be a mom. I know the shame of being childless in a world full of children. I experience pain when someone asks how many children I have or even worse, being a full-figured woman, when I'm due. Yet, like Justine, I have to own my story and continue to emerge into my own. Thanks for the reminder Justine!

If you are experiencing infertility or know someone who is, please consider reading Ever Upward.

Kundalini Yoga & Me

As part of my life shift (aka my healthy mid-life crisis), I decided to first focus on reducing my stress. It wasn't a hard decision since my doctor has been telling me to do this for the past year! She even suggested how to do it - take up Kundalini yoga. And after experiencing a meditation led by Gabrielle Bernstein at Emerging Women Live 2014, I was hooked!

I found a local yoga center that offers Kundalini yoga for beginners and quickly signed up for a class before I could lose my nerve. I know myself -- once I'm enrolled in an activity, I feel obligated to try it! Browsing the website, I noticed the suggestion to wear white clothing for energetic purposes. Huh? I favor black yoga pants and bright shirts. I don't own an all white outfit. I began to worry that I would not fit in! And what if I couldn't do the movements? Would people stare?

Yet, on Sunday night, I rolled out early for the yoga center. As I drove into the parking lot, I could not miss the entrance -- everyone was wearing white Indian garb, complete with turbans. I felt like I was playing the childhood game of "which one of these things isn't like the others?" and the answer was me in my black yoga pants, white top and hot pink shoes! My nervousness being in overdrive, I closed my eyes, breathed deeply, and transformed into my alter ego -- brave Tanya who will try anything even if she might fail. I exited the vehicle and entered the yoga studio.

I was met by the instructor, a lanky elderly white gentleman with a long white beard. He looked like a wizard except with a turban, instead of a magician's hat. I introduced myself and signed up for the 30 days for $30 special for new students. Then, I picked out a bright purple yoga mat and entered the classroom with my newfound bravery, only to stop short seeing the dais with pillows for the instructor to sit on and pictures of a yogi surrounded by flowers. I began to wonder if my mother was correct when she told me at age 10 that she worried that I was her child who was most likely to join a cult.

As the other beginners trekked in, I was relieved to see that I was not the only one with a unique sense of style. My wizardly yoga instructor sat crosslegged on his pillows and encouraged us to do the same. My glutes rebelled, but I persevered. Mind over matter, right? As the wizard led us through breathing exercises and chants, I began to feel calmer, more centered, and relaxed. Given my paralyzed vocal cord, I saw that yoga could also help me with increasing my lung capacity.

We gently stretched our arms and legs in different poses, and then the wizard (his nickname in my mind) told us to push ourselves off the ground while sitting crosslegged, only using our hands for leverage. Needless to say, I tried but failed...my butt never achieved lift off!

At one point, we were laying on our backs, breathing deeply in and out, the wizard began to play gong music. My body totally relaxed, and my mind quieted. And then I felt an inexplicable pressure, like that of a hand, pushing down on my right hip. I knew it wasn't anyone in the room causing the sensation, but I also wasn't scared. I'd like to think that I was being given spiritual comfort while I was in a deepened state of awareness. When the gong stopped, the pressure disappeared.

I surpassed my expectations of my first Kundalini yoga class. I showed up and was seen and wasn't afraid to fail. I will be going back, not only because I want to get my money's worth, but because I felt a calmness that I have been lacking in my life recently. I can understand why Elizabeth Gilbert went on her epic journey to an ashram in India. Not that I would do that...or maybe I would. A life shift is occurring after all. But, would I have to wear all white?

Life Shift

I had the pleasure of attending Emerging Women Live 2014 in New York City on October 9-12. It has taken this long for me to process my thoughts because EW is that powerful! According to Wokie Nwabueze, a speaker at EW, communication is the pathway between your soul and the world. For the past 3 months, I've let my communication channel -- this blog -- atrophy. My motherboard got fried in a storm...I went on vacation...work got busy...I experienced a health challenge. I had plenty of excuses, but if I'm being real with myself, I needed time to focus on the inner me because putting my life in a blog is being extremely vulnerable. It left me raw with emotion, and I needed to give myself TLC. Yet, all the while, I still had a deep need to share my story.

EW rejuvenated me. The positive vibes coming from the speakers and participants were crackling in the air! Most powerful to me was when Gabrielle Bernstein led us in a Kundalini yoga meditation. As the chant began, I was bathed in the love and positive energy in the room, and when we finished, everyone was crying. Yes, it was that powerful, and that's why I'm attending my first Kundalini yoga class this evening. And, Arianna Huffington packed a big punch with a simple statement: "However, great your job is, who you are as a person is more magnificent."

After EW ended that Sunday, I walked around Times Square and processed. I sat on the train back to Washington, DC and processed. In the weeks following, I went about my days, all the while still processing. It was like my brain was a giant computer which had important information input into it at EW, and it was going through a logarithm to spit out exactly what I would take away from the conference. And then on Tuesday evening as I was headed home, it hit me -- I need a life shift!

I've spent the past few days thinking how this life shift will occur and what exactly I will do. Simply put, I need to live the vision that I saw during my yoga meditation, pursuing both happiness and spirituality. I need to embrace love and not be afraid of fear. I need to strive for a healthy living. I need to help others. I need to have fun! And last but not least, I need to continue to tell my story in my authentic voice on this blog!

I can guarantee you that my life shift will be messy and funny. It will also be beautiful and life-changing. It is my life!

43 and Fabulous!

Happy Birthday to me! I am 43 and fabulous! I realized this week that I am officially entering the mid-point of my life since I plan to live to between 86-90. So today, I am making a declaration that I’m going to live my life with meaning and enjoy this life that I’ve been given healthily and happily and with the financial means to do so! I am filling myself with love, joy, peace and gratitude! Therefore, in celebration of my birthday, I want to share with you 43 things that I love:

1. Being told that I am in remission at every checkup;
2. The feeling of love overflowing my heart when I look at Ben;
3. Our nightly cuddling ritual where I get 10 minutes of hugging and Ben gets to pretend he doesn’t like it;
4. Ben’s contagious laughter that has me laughing with him;
5. Childhood memories of my parents;
6. Getting advice from my grandmother;
7. Talking to my best friends and knowing that we are always there for each other;
8. Sexual intimacy and the big O, all wrapped in a huge bow;
9. Getting into my writing zone and emerging hours later with no sense of time but with beautiful prose;
10. Watching my nephews grow into men;
11. Going on a travel adventure to a place that I haven’t been before;
12. The serenity that I feel when I swim, listening only to the sounds that the water makes as I glide through it;
13. Becoming so enthralled with a novel that I feel that I’m a part of the story;
14. Kissing, for no two kisses are ever alike;
15. Sitting quietly quilting;
16. Squash pie made by my grandmother;
17. Performing acts of kindness;
18. Being tickled by Ben;
19. The smell of fresh cut grass;
20. Sitting on the beach watching the waves roll in;
21. A cool breeze on a summer day;
22. Sitting outside on a summer night and listening to the sounds of crickets;
23. Getting letters from friends in the mail;
24. Relaxing in a hot bubble bath after a long day;
25. Reading The Outsiders by S.E. Hinton for the millionth time;
26. Listening to Sweet Home Alabama by Lynyrd Skynyrd as it brings back memories of growing up in Alabama;
27. Watching I Love Lucy;
28. Holding a baby and breathing in that new baby smell;
29. Getting a massage;
30. Seeing the sun rise and set;
31. Endorphin rush;
32. Watermelon;
33. The magic of Christmas;
34. Watching snow fall while sitting before a warm fire;
35. The sounds of the neighborhood children’s laughter as they play outside;
36. Developing new friendships and nurturing old ones;
37. Making my dad’s famous oatmeal raisin cookies;
38. The unconditional love of a family pet;
39. Trusting others and being trusted;
40. The soreness I feel after working out, as all my cells seem to be shouting “I’m alive!”;
41. Joy on the face of a child;
42. Being able to give voice to my hopes and dreams; and
43. Simply being myself -- nothing more, nothing less.

BCHS Class of 1989

Last weekend was my 25^th high school class reunion – Baldwin County High School Class of '89. While I wasn't there in person, I was there in spirit with my former classmates. Looking through all the photos of the reunion that were posted on Facebook by my classmates this week, I was taken back to my very first day on the BCHS campus.

I entered BCHS as a freshman the fall of 1985. I went from a class of around 40 students at my junior high school to about 400 in my freshman class. My plan for the first day was to keep a low profile until I got my bearings, but that didn't happen. I arrived at school with my brother, who was handsome, an upperclassman, a football player, and one of the most popular kids on campus. All morning, I had girls introducing themselves to me and asking if I was Tony's sister. Then, they would giggle, tell me how cute he was, and ask if he was dating anyone. Seriously!

Surviving my brother's fan club was easy compared to the reception that I received from some of the teachers. Yes, on the first day, my high school biology teacher singled me out in front of the class to let me know that, while I was the brightest at my junior high school, at best I would fade into mediocrity in high school. I also got called to the office that day for a conference between my dad and the Principal over my math class. I had registered for algebra but was instead placed in basic math. It resulted in a standoff where the Principal refused to move me, I refused to do any of the assignments in the class, and my parents went to the School Board. Two weeks later it was decided that if I made at least a C on the first algebra test that I could enter the class. The pressure was on me as the test was the next day and I didn't have the text book to study. Despite this, I made a B on the test and was finally placed in the correct class.

Luckily, the groupies soon dissipated. While I floated among the different social groups, I made a few strong friendships that lasted through the end of high school. We would mainly hang out at school and occasionally on the weekends. We laughed. We argued. We talked about boys. However, my dating life was practically non-existent – with the exception of my boyfriend freshman year and a dear male friend who took me to the big school dances. I was shy and extremely focused on my studies, and I think that guys were intimidated by me. I also think that they were scared of my brother. It would be interesting to hear my male classmates perspective 25 years later; so, speak up please!

Despite my biology teacher's warning, I excelled academically. I made straight A's, was named Most Likely to Succeed by my senior classmates, and graduated valedictorian. I was the first to walk out on the field to proudly receive my diploma, and despite all the tears, hugs, and promises made that night to friends that we would keep in touch, our lives took different paths and our friendships faded. Besides my cousin, I lost touch with everyone in my graduating class.

And then Facebook came along, and we began to reconnect. And I love it! I love to read the snippets of their lives, see pictures of their families, celebrate their successes, give comfort when needed, and of course, argue about college football (WAR EAGLE). So, here's to the next reunion and hoping that I'll be there to hug each and every one of y'all!

Division of Household Duties

Recently at lunch with some girl friends, we began to discuss our roles and responsibilities in our relationships with our partners. They both felt that they had relationships based on equality, talking about how they divide up the chores around the house. And then I announced, “Ben and I have an agreement. I take care of the inside of the house, and he's responsible for the outside.” There was silence, and then I strained to fill the void. “I'm from the South. My parents had the same agreement, and it worked for them.”

I grew up in rural Alabama in the 1970s and 1980s. My mom was a homemaker. She cooked all our meals, except one Sunday a month when my dad made breakfast or when he grilled during the summer. My mom would always rise before my brother and me to ensure that our breakfast was ready before she woke us up. Until we were old enough for chores, my mom did it all. She made beds, swept, mopped, vacuumed, dusted, cleaned bathrooms, washed dishes, did the laundry, and ironed. She made our house a home. She was my role model.

As I said, my parents assigned chores to my brother and me when we were old enough. Kitchen duties were equally assigned – setting and clearing the table, washing dishes, and taking out the trash. Then, while my brother helped my dad outside, I made my brother's bed, cleaned his room, and did his laundry. And I thought nothing of it – until my freshman year in college when one of my friends was outraged by my admission. Didn't I know that we were in the age of equality? Why would I allow myself to be oppressed? One of the key functions that I identified with womanhood was devalued in that conversation. I personally did not feel oppressed but felt guilty that I didn't. Then, I worried that I was in denial of being oppressed.

Fast forward to today. I am in a loving relationship with Ben, and we live together as partners. Our relationship is perfectly imperfect. It is unconventionally traditional. And it right for us – for him and for me. I know because we discussed our roles and responsibilities before we moved in together, and we check in with one another and adjust if necessary.

What is my role in our relationship? My role is to be true to who I am. With Ben, the woman that I am is predominantly a lover, a nurturer, and a jokester. I love to make him laugh. I derive pleasure from his happiness. It is fulfilling to me to take care of him in a way that I know he appreciates.

After reading the Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, we realized that Ben's love language is acts of service. That is, he identifies my love for him through the things that I do for him. He especially loves it when I take time to cook a meal from scratch. Honestly, it is one of my least favorite household tasks, but then I saw it through his eyes. That is why, last Tuesday evening, I found myself in a basic cooking class, learning how to julienne vegetables and to properly cut chicken (at an angle) for a stir fry. And I totally enjoyed myself!

Let me be clear that I am not oppressed, and neither am I in denial. My self-worth is not determined by what Ben thinks of me and my housecleaning skills. It is internally derived knowing that I am satisfying an intrinsic part of my nature – that of a nurturer.

LIFE LESSON: Be true to who you are when determining your role in a relationship.

Emerging Woman

Lately, I've been thinking about my role as a woman – in my relationship with Ben, in the larger community, and in the world. One thing that I know for sure is that I am an emerging woman!  Over the next month, I'll be devoting blog space to write about my internal discussions on this topic and what I realized is my truth. But first, I want to discuss the defining moment that got me to the point of being able to have that honest discussion with myself.

Last October in Boulder, Colorado, I experienced a life-changing event – Emerging Women Live! It was the vision of Chantal Pierrat, a former Peace Corps volunteer, to bring together women around the globe who want to change the world by living their own personal truths. I was initially drawn to Emerging Women because Brene Brown and Elizabeth Gilbert were listed as keynote speakers. And their talks were fucking amazing! Brene encouraged us not to engineer our lives to be small but instead to dare greatly and live our own personal truths. Liz taught us that ideas find people and that inspiration is always happening. You only have to clear yourself and be welcoming.

Every session at Emerging Women had me enthralled, and I learned something new from each one. Tara Mohr taught us how to recognize a calling and encouraged us to PLAY BIG and be more loyal to your dreams than your fears. Kristin Wheeler taught us how to find and live our native genius, while Kristin Neff taught us the importance of choosing self-compassion over self-esteem. And Sera Beak fired up our souls!

Emerging Women was way more than just speeches. It was an atmosphere like none other! Emerging Women was open...inviting...a safe space to speak our dreams. Emerging Women was women supporting women, providing encouragement and being caring and kind. I have never experienced anything like it before in my life, but I want to emulate it every day!

It was in this safe space that I began to speak my dream. It began to surface during the Workshop on The Art & Business of Thought Leadership, led by Erin Weed. Erin helps prepare TED TALK presenters to deliver their message. She led us through an exercise of delivering our gift to the world by each of us telling our story, delivering our personal truth, identifying the universal truth, and summing it all up in one word. My word: BELIEVE. I met Erin again that night as I was assigned to her small-group dinner, and we discussed my cancer journey and vocal cord paralysis, my personal truth and how to get my message out. Spoken out loud twice in one day, my dream seemed real and tangible. I saw Erin again the next day, and her words still resonate with me – “Go out and tell your truth! It's fucking awesome! I would definitely follow your blog or newsletter!” Her motivation worked because here I am!

Emerging Women was also about developing relationships with other attendees. It was bonding with Justine of http://everupward.org/ while waiting in line to meet Brene Brown and then hearing her personal truth of life after failed IVF at the small-group dinner with Erin. It was Sarah's welcoming smile and instant friendship and how jazzed she was to speak with her inspiration, Sera Beak.  It was opening up, being who I am, and living my personal truth with all the fabulous women at the conference, and then being honored to share their personal truths as well! It was awesome!

I can't wait to do it again this October in New York City! And I hope you join me! If you want to learn more, go to http://www.emergingwomen.com/.

My Kindle Addiction

My partner Ben had an epiphany about me on Saturday. It was in the morning, and I was quietly reading in the living room. He looked down at me from the balcony and said, “You have an addictive personality.” I asked how he made that deduction. His response: “You never put down your Kindle. I've watched you for the past month, and you're reading every chance you get. You are addicted to your Kindle!” Sadly, it's true.

I first realized that I have an addictive personality the summer before sixth grade. My parents bought an Atari, and I spent a large part of every day playing Frogger to the exclusion of all else. Getting to the next level was like a drug for me. When school started again, I made the wise decision to give up video games because I knew that I was addicted. So, I went cold turkey. To this day, I don't play games on Facebook, and I've never owned a Nintendo, Playstation or Wi.

Knowing that I have an addictive personality, I never experimented with smoking or drugs for fear of where that experimentation would lead. I also rarely drink alcohol or gamble, and if I do, I set strict limits. I thought that I had all my bases covered until I realized that I had an addiction to Coca-Cola, which began around sixth grade. I drank Coke every day, and when stressed, I would immediately reach for a Coke. It was my coping mechanism. And then last year, I began feeling horrible when I drank Coke. My eyelids would break out, and I would get headaches, nausea, and hives. Yet, despite feeling ill, I would have such intense cravings that I would drink another Coke. I was tested for allergies and was found to be allergic to two ingredients in soft drinks. I also found out that ingesting foods to which I am allergic causes the pleasure centers of my brain to light up, making me crave them more. I again went cold turkey. It has been nine months since I had a Coke, and I still have intense cravings. If I see a Coke, I can taste the flavor and feel the bubbles. This is why my house is a Coke-free zone.

As you probably guessed, there is a pattern to my addictions. When I stopped drinking Coke, I substituted reading as my coping mechanism. If I get stressed, out comes the Kindle for a break from reality. Yes, I am addicted to reading! I take my Kindle everywhere. The one-click button is my downfall! My favorite time of the day is riding the Metro to and from work because I can read uninterrupted. If you have to have an addiction, I would assume that reading is a better one to have. At least I am exercising my brain, instead of killing off brain cells!

Still, having Ben call me on it, made me aware that by reading so much, I am missing out on being present in the moment. But this addiction is tricky...it's not possible to go cold turkey and give up reading. I realized that I am going to have to wean the hours that I read down. So, today, I limited myself to a morning of reading (hey it was a holiday!) and then promised Ben that I would put my Kindle away. Okay, it helped that my battery ran low, and I admit that I did sneak and download a couple of books. However, I haven't read anything on the Kindle since this morning, even though I am jonesing too!

I know that as I go through the weaning process, I will need to be vigilant to prevent myself from going mindlessly into another addiction. And, more importantly, I need to analyze why I am using all these coping mechanisms and then be willing to work on resolving those issues.  My life is definitely a work in progress!  

LIFE LESSON: Addictions come in all forms, not just alcohol, drugs, or gambling. Even reading can be an addiction if you singly focus on it to the detriment of other parts of your life. Don't be afraid to be present in the moment!

A Grandmother's Wisdom

My Grandmother

 My grandmother celebrated her 91^st birthday yesterday. She totally rocked it! She grew up in the South during the Great Depression, raised by a widowed mother with a house full of children. In her early teens, she fell in love and married my grandfather. They worked the family farm together until he passed away in 2007. She was a widow after 68 years of marriage.

My grandmother is interspersed throughout my childhood memories. If there was a child, there was a chore to be completed! I am an expert dishwasher because of her! By her side, I learned how to milk a cow, to churn butter, to make grape jelly, and to plant a garden. I loved sitting with her on her front porch shelling peas and beans during the summer.

My grandmother is a fabulous cook! Her homemade biscuits with honey and a glass of sweet tea makes a tummy ache quickly disappear! Her chicken and dumplings are delicious, and her squash pie is THE BEST EVER! I will fight anyone over the last slice of that pie, and I will win! Unfortunately, I was too busy washing dishes to learn how to cook from her!  Well, except that I make a wicked squash pie if I do say so myself!    

In my early adulthood, I rebelled at the life my grandmother wanted for me. She wanted all her granddaughters to be married at 18 or soon after so that our husbands would take care and provide for us. I wanted to take care of myself. She wanted me to live close by. I wanted to explore the world. My grandmother wanted me to have the life that she knew and that was comfortable to her. I wanted the life that I dreamed about. As I lived my true life, her views evolved. When others commented negatively to her that I wasn't married, she began telling them that she didn't worry about me as I could take care of myself. When discussing the possibility of marriage recently, my grandmother surprised me by saying that it doesn't matter if Ben and I ever get married, as long as we are in love and are committed to each other. She said that we should get married if that's what we want to do, but not because others expect it of us.

My grandmother and I have become even closer since my mother and grandfather died. She is the mother-figure in my life. I call her when I need comfort and prayer. I call her when I need advice. Below are two major life lessons that I have learned from her that I wanted to share.

1. It is better to laugh than cry.

Life may be difficult, but you feel better if you laugh. She learned this from her mother when she was growing up in the Great Depression. I love seeing her with Ben because the two of them never stop laughing! During her birthday call, I told her that she needed to tell Ben to stop tickling me. Her response: Tickling is good for the soul!

2. Believe

My grandmother is both religious and spiritual. She is a firm believer in the power of prayer. It is not unusual to hear her speaking in tongues when she feels led by God and for healing to occur. I pray, but when you add my grandmother's prayers to mine, it's like electricity fills the air. She definitely taps into positive energy and sends it flowing to the person in need. I tell her that she has a hotline to God!

Happy Birthday Dad!

Dad & me

Today is my dad's birthday. He would have been 76 today if he were alive. He was 33 when I was born, but, sadly, he passed away at age 52, when I was 19 years old. It's hard to believe that he's been gone longer than the number of years that I had him in my life. But what an impact he made!

Dad & Mom, Marine Corps Ball 1975

 My dad was a Marine. He served from 1956 to 1976 when he retired as a Gunnery Sergeant. He completed 3 tours in Vietnam, and, for his bravery and efforts, he received the Bronze Star and 2 Purple Hearts. He taught me to be proud of my country and that serving the public good was noble. Hearing his tales about his travels around the world made me yearn to travel as well. He is one of the biggest reasons that I help the most vulnerable – children – in Africa today.

Dad's college graduation day

 My dad was a scholar. His IQ was that of a genius. He excelled in math and science, teaching physics in the Marine Corps with only a high school degree. Upon his retirement at age 38, he enrolled in college, earning his bachelor's degree, summa cum laude, 4 years later. Seeing him walk across the stage to get his degree made me want to do the same! In high school, I learned geometry, chemistry and physics by studying with my dad each night. He was my own personal tutor.

My dad was a survivor. The year before his retirement, my dad spent the entire year being treated at Bethesda Naval Hospital. He had developed a never before seen kidney disease, possibly due to Agent Orange during his time in Vietnam. He retired with 100 percent disability. When I was 6, I found him in the bathroom vomiting blood and near death. He was given a 5 percent chance to live and spent 2 months in intensive care. He lived another 13 years before succumbing to a heart attack. From him, I learned to never give up! This has come in handy during my own health struggles.

My dad was a loving husband and father. He was loyal to his friends. He loved to laugh. He loved life. But, he wasn't perfect. My parents argued upon occasion. He was forgetful and embarrassing at times to his high school daughter. Yet, every night before bed, he would give me a hug and tell me that he loved me.

To sum my dad up in one word: AWESOME!!!

Body Image

Body image is defined as the feelings a person has about his/her body. I developed a negative body image at an early age, which followed me into adulthood. It started at age 4. I was an early bloomer in having unhealthy thoughts about what others thought of me. I was also a perfectionist.

When I was four years old, my little cousin made her arrival into this world, and I was no longer the baby of the family. I was jealous! One day, she wore only a diaper and a smile that had everyone in my family cooing over her. Desperately seeking to have the attention placed on me again, I decided that I needed to look more like her. So, I took off my shirt. One of my older male cousins spotted me and gave me a severe scolding: “You are a big girl, not a baby! Big girls do not show their titties! Now act your age!” For the first time in my life, I felt ashamed of my body. I had overheard a previous conversation among my cousins about a bad girl who showed boys her tits. So, I internalized that, as only bad girls show their tits, I was a bad girl. I had ruined my perfect good girl status. In that instant, I became self-conscious of my non-existent breasts.

Fast forward to middle school...the ages of 11-13 were difficult. I hit puberty -- my body changed, and my emotions ran rampant! I was one of the first of my friends to wear a bra, and my breasts continued to grow and grow and grow. It was like someone had put Miracle-Gro in my milk! I was a 36C in a 100 pound, 5 feet 5 inch body. And that's when my older female cousins began to tease me, pointing out how big my boobs were in comparison to theirs. Already fragile, I spiraled into shame. I didn't realize that they were envious of me. Instead, I believed my breasts were not normal, gargantuan even! I hated the attention that they brought me and became even more self-conscious. 

If that wasn't enough, in 7th grade, I was diagnosed with scoliosis and had to wear a back brace for three years. I was the freak who had to get permission from the Governor to play middle school basketball because parents, and therefore the School Board, feared that my back brace could hurt their children. Suffice it to say, my negative body image was cemented by age 13.

It wasn't until college that I finally accepted my breasts after realizing that society (um...men) considered them to be the perfect size. Unfortunately, by the time that I came to that conclusion, I had developed another negative self image -- my weight. Yes, I gained the freshmen 15. I felt fat; therefore, in my mind, I was fat.

I let fat define me for most of my adult life. I either dieted or indulged. I mostly indulged as I am a stress eater. I was unhappy with my body. I took another shame spiral when my sister-in-law gave me a weight loss book one Christmas because it confirmed in my mind how others saw me. I hated looking at my body. And, if I didn't love my body, then I was sure that men wouldn't love my body – and therefore me – either. So, why date? For awhile, I didn't.

Being diagnosed with hypothyroidism and then surviving thyroid cancer helped me re-frame my thoughts about my body. As the thyroid regulates your metabolism, hypothyroidism causes your metabolism to slow down, resulting in weight gain. Now having no thyroid, I must rely on the correct dosage of thyroid medication to regulate my metabolism. As I've come to understand the internal workings of my body, I stand amazed! I now eat healthier to give it the proper fuel. I strengthen it through exercise. And while I have challenged myself to lose weight this year, I know that I will never be the image of the lithe supermodel airbrushed in the pages of a magazine. Neither do I compare myself to that unreachable, perfect standard anymore.

Of course, there are days that I backslide – when I look at my bum in the mirror and see cellulite instead of a cute tush. But, in Ben, I have found a supportive partner. He's not afraid to point out when I am backsliding, which helps me re-frame He encourages me to strive to be healthy while not making me feel it's a statement that I am fat. He shows me that I am beautiful when I have difficulty seeing it on my own.

Life Lesson: Only you determine how you picture your body and how you feel about it. If you have a negative body image, seek out support to help you re-frame your thoughts. Learn to appreciate your body for what it accomplishes, not how you perceive it to look.

Life is what you make of it

After reading my first blog post, a friend confessed that she struggles with finding her voice and noted her surprise that I did as well. Her next statement stunned me and had me conducting an introspective analysis all week – “You make life look easy.” I do? Really? How? Since when?  How am I not even aware of that? Why am I not aware of that? And then I realized that our friendship developed after my major life events and that maybe she saw me using the coping tools that I gained from those experiences in stressful situations.  

Life is not easy for anyone, but I have come to realize that my life is what I make of it. No one else is responsible for my thoughts and actions but me. I have to be willing to use my voice. I have to be willing to put in the time and effort to assess how I respond to a situation, find tools that will help me cope, and then actively use those tools. Sitting in the driver's seat while cruising down the road of life, I oftentimes see open road and beautiful scenery. But, when I least expect it, there are signs along the road saying SLOW DOWN or CAUTION or DETOUR AHEAD. After these signs, I usually come across potholes, large and small. If I am paying attention to the signs, I am able to navigate carefully around, but sometimes I swerve recklessly. At other times, signs stating STOP or DANGER seem to pop up quickly because a sinkhole is looming right out of sight. I hit a sinkhole once in my life but averted another. I don't like sinkholes. Once is enough for me.

SINKHOLE: I was striving for excellence in my chosen career. I made a determined effort to climb the ladder of success as fast as I could. I wanted to be the best, and I put in the work needed and reaped the rewards. And then my mother became ill. I became Super Tanya, teleworking full-time so that I could care for her full-time – and during Hurricane Katrina no less. And then my mother died. I was grieving, while at the same time managing her estate, dealing with family and relationship issues, being promoted to management and leading a high profile project. With the pillar of my support network gone, I blindly ran the STOP sign and blew through the DANGER barricade. I found myself freefalling into a sinkhole! Yet, with the help of a therapist and my friends, I found coping tools that I began to use and shored up my support network, allowing me to climb out of the sinkhole with their assistance.

SINKHOLE AVERTED: During my thyroid cancer journey and resulting vocal cord paralysis, I began to skid towards another sinkhole, but I managed to stop in time by using the coping tools I had put in my tool box from my first sinkhole experience and learning new ones. I proactively sought out the therapist and spent quality time with my friends. My favorite memory of this time was when I was in isolation following radioactive iodine therapy, and my best friend called long distance every day to read me Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. I set up boundaries at work, turning in my blackberry and ending work outside of business hours. I joined a gym to strengthen my body and to help alleviate some of my stress. I learned the importance of my voice and how to use it. In fact, I learned to say NO! I began to laugh more. And most importantly, I began shifting my focus to being positive and living a more wholehearted life.

My life is not easy even if others perceive it to look so. I have to work darn hard at it! I still have a very demanding job and, with it, a lot of stress. Seriously, a lot of stress! Having no thyroid, I deal with medical issues on a daily basis. Of course, there are family and relationship challenges as well. And while I try to eat healthy, there are days that I slide back into stress eating. The difference is that now I am more aware of myself. I listen to my body. I seek out my support network. I laugh every day. If I slip into negativity or stress eating, I focus and do better the next day. And I believe in myself wholeheartedly!

LIFE LESSON: Life is not easy, but your life is what you make of it. Believe in yourself, and don't be ashamed to ask for assistance to avert a sinkhole or to get out of one!

Beauty in Vulnerability

After reading my first blog post, one of my dearest friends commented that its beauty lay in my vulnerability. A simple but powerful statement! Reclaiming Tanya is an outlet where I can express myself and share with you life lessons that I have learned or am still learning -- sometimes over and over again. I want to connect with you and show you that we all struggle and that you are not alone.  For you to trust me, I must open myself up to vulnerability.

Vulnerability is scary! Even as I type, there is a knot of fear in my stomach. What if no one relates to my blog? What if I get a call from my family telling me the gossip about my blog posting? What if people think I'm a freak? What if? What if?  What if?  In the past, the fear of vulnerability stopped me from blogging. I allowed that fear to minimize my voice.

However, vulnerability is also beautiful, like a tulip that blossoms in winter. Experiencing the beauty of vulnerability is amazing! When I embrace vulnerability, my experiences are deeper and richer. I learn more about myself, and I make stronger connections with others and learn from them. Yes, there have been times in my life when I let fear dictate, but I also have moved through the current of fear to experience the beauty on the other side of vulnerability.

For me, vulnerability is, at age 6, finding my father in the bathroom near death but having the courage to get my mother. The beauty in my vulnerability is that my father loved me unconditionally and guided me on my life path into early adulthood. He passed away when I was 19.

Vulnerability is, at age 34, sitting with my mother as the doctor confirms her diagnosis of inoperable lung cancer and goes over her treatment options. The beauty in our vulnerability is that we were able to spend quality time together in her last year that I will always cherish. In her final days, I told her it was okay for her to leave us. She told me that I was meant to live an extraordinary life.

For me, vulnerability is, at age 37, awakening after my thyroidectomy to be told by my surgeon that I have lost my ability to speak. The beauty in my vulnerability is that I learned the true power of positive thinking, and I not only regained my speech but am now reclaiming my voice! I also established deeper, richer connections with my friends who became my champions.

Vulnerabilty is, at age 39, acknowledging the painful end of a long term relationship and then being brave enough to date again. The beauty in my vulnerability is the wonderful life I share now with my lifemate Ben.  He makes me laugh every day and encourages me to pursue my dreams.

If you are interested in learning more about vulnerabilty, I encourage you to watch Brene Brown's 2010 TED talk on the power of vulnerability.

 

LIFE LESSON: Don't let fear stop you! Embrace vulnerability and find the beauty in it!

Reclaiming My Voice

Five years ago, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and my life changed. At the time of diagnosis, I had a bolt of clarity that I needed to reassess my life, but the change didn't occur immediately or swiftly. For me, it has been a gradual process of learning, changing, and growing. Little did I know the winding path that I would end up taking or the lessons of life that I would learn along the way.

My cancer is “the best cancer to have” as told by many doctors because it has the highest survival rate. I happen to be in the 1 percent where a specific complication arose. The nerve to my vocal cord was severed when the surgeon removed an infected lymph node that had grown around my vocal cord. It left me with vocal cord paralysis on the right side, limited lung capacity, and no voice. This was definitely not the 1 percent of the population that I was striving to be!

For 18 months, I did not have my voice. I could not speak normally. I could not use tone inflection. I could not scream, but I wanted to on many occasions! I could only whisper – a soft whisper at that. I lost my ability to be heard. Even my dog would look at me quizzically when I gave him a command!

At a year, I was told that the reattached nerve wasn't working and that I would never get my voice back. I was devastated! And then I began visualization therapy on my own. I visualized the neurons firing from my brain down to my vocal cord and then making a sharp right turn down the muscles of my throat. Think Space Invaders with a twist. I did this every day for 6 months. 

According to my doctor, it was a one in a million chance, but the muscles surrounding my vocal cord picked up the slack. While my vocal cord is still paralyzed, I can speak normally and use tone inflection. It took another year before I could scream again, but being chased by Chucky in the House of Horrors at Universal Studios solved that problem! 

During my journey, I learned a valuable lesson. I did not know what my voice was worth until I lost it. And then I began to see how precious it was. I realized that I had not used it properly. I had minimized my voice. Before, I did not voice my dreams. Before, I did not speak up when being verbally abused. Before, I thought I could keep from dwelling on problems if I did not vocalize them. Before, I thought that if I didn't say much, people wouldn't realize that I was not perfect. Now, I speak up if I don't agree. Now, I tell someone if they hurt me. Now, I don't hide my imperfections because they are part of me. Now, I speak of my dreams and work to achieve them. Of course, I stumble at times – sometimes more often than not – and dip head first into my old habits. However, as I become aware, I refocus my efforts.

This blog is the next step in reclaiming my voice. I hope that you, the readers, will benefit from the insights that I've gained but also help me puzzle out the pieces of my life where I don't have clarity yet. I invite you to come along on this journey with me and see where we both end up!