Blogging Success

I am excited to share my first post in the Huffington Post Blog: 
http://www.huffingtonpost.com/tanya-rasa/reclaiming-my-voice_b_6117858.html!

Last month, I attended Emerging Women Live 2014, at which Arianna Huffington spoke.  I approached her to thank her for writing Thrive and mentioned that I only learned to really thrive after having thyroid cancer and losing my voice. She graciously listened, gave me her business card, and asked me to share my story. During the conference, Tara Mohr encouraged us to Play Big and set an intention to do one thing that would move us forward toward our goal within two weeks.  I set my intention to send Arianna my story. Then, Gabrielle Bernstein led us through a powerful yoga meditation, where she encouraged us to focus on positive thoughts because whatever we were thinking would be magnified.  One of my visions during that meditation was seeing my story on the Huffington Post Blog!

Yet, did I immediately send an email to Arianna when I got home? No. Life got in the way. One week went by.  And then those pesky fears began to show themselves. You know the ones: Who am I to think that I can get published on the Huffington Post Blog? Was my story really that inspiring to get that type of coverage? As the second week drew to a close, I sat myself down and gave myself a "talking to," in my mother's words. And in that meeting with my inner voice, I made the following statement, "I won't know if I don't try. I can't succeed if I don't try. So try already!"

So, I poured out my story in an email to Arianna and hit send. I assumed it would be a long wait and that I would get a response from an assistant eventually. Imagine my surprise when I received a lovely response from Arianna within the hour! And now my story is published on the Huffington Post Blog! Freaking amazing!

The responses that I have received to my post have been so uplifting! Friends who were my voice when I couldn't speak sent me messages about how I inspired them while I went through my cancer journey. My family spoke of the strength that they've seen in me my entire life. A childhood friend thanked me for the lesson that she received from the blog, and another thyroid cancer survivor recounted her story of overcoming her vocal cord struggles by singing. And my EW sisters continue to give me support and encourage me to use my voice!  Thank you all!
 

Vestiges of Thyroid Cancer

I am a thyroid cancer survivor. While undergoing a routine physical, my doctor noticed a lump in my neck and ordered an ultrasound. When the ultrasound showed a nodule greater than 1 cm, she ordered a fine needle aspiration (FNA). Going into the procedure, I was comforted by the fact that 95 percent of thyroid nodules are benign. Mine came back suspicious for cancer. A second FNA confirmed that I was in the 1 percent of the U.S. population diagnosed with thyroid cancer.

Both my doctor and my surgeon assured me that my cancer was “the best cancer to have,” as there is a 5-year survival rate of over 97 percent. I was told that I needed surgery to remove my thyroid and then I would have to take a pill a day for the rest of my life but that I would be able to lead a normal life. Sounds easy, right? Not so fast! Since I underwent my thyroidectomy 5 years ago, I've experienced a number of complications:

• Vocal cord paralysis resulting in the loss of speech;
• Decreased lung capacity due to the paralysis;
• Difficulty swallowing;
• Calcium deficiency as my parathyroid glands were touched during surgery;
• Pregnancy ban for 1 year;
• Allergies, including to my life-saving thyroid medication;
• Fast pulse and heart palpitations;
• Anxiety;
• Fatigue and brain fog;
• Dry mouth; 
• Burning mouth; and
• Dry eyes.

Thyroid cancer patients have to be placed in a hyperthyroid state to keep the cancer away, but it is difficult to get the correct dosage that also minimizes the myriad of side effects. So, instead of one pill a day, I currently take 15 pills daily! In addition, my cancer had spread outside of my thyroid; so, I had to undergo radioactive iodine treatment. Under quarantine, I took my radioactive pill and engaged in a nuclear war with my renegade thyroid cells! However, at the 1-year mark, my endocrinologist told me that she may never be able to declare me in remission.

Sounds horrible, right? How can any doctor say that I have the “best cancer?” Looking back on the last five years, I could easily have become depressed, but instead I chose to be happy and find ways to thrive.

• When I was told that my vocal cord paralysis was permanent after a year with no voice, I used visualization techniques daily for 6 months, believing that I would one day speak again. According to my ENT, it was a one in a million chance to be able to speak normally and scream with a paralyzed vocal cord. I did it!
• When my endocrinologist told me that I may never be in remission, it could have devastated me, but instead, I simply said, “I am in remission. You just don't realize it yet!” I never stopped believing, and at the 4-year mark, she finally agreed with my assessment!
• When I take my thyroid medication upon waking each morning, I give thanks that I am alive and have a beautiful life! It's a daily reminder to start the day out right!
• I stay in tune with my body, exercising regularly and striving (though not always achieving) to get 8 hours of sleep a night. I've recently begun taking a kundalini yoga class to help build my lung capacity and reduce stress.
• I embrace laughter. My domestic partner takes his job of making me laugh seriously. He has me in stitches every day! And my 91-year old grandmother is a riot! Laughter is truly the best medicine!
• I created a bucket list. My list stretches me to get outside my comfort zone, to try new things, and to live life to the fullest. One of my goals is to run a 5K, which has been unattainable to date because of my decreased lung capacity, but I've set the intention and know that I'll be successful even if I have to crawl over the finish line wearing an oxygen mask! And after that, I want to go hiking in Nepal!

Yes, I face challenges in my life as a result of the vestiges of thyroid cancer. There are days that I don't have the energy to get out of bed, but I do anyway. There are days that I can't think clearly, but I laugh about it and keep trying. Why? Because every day is a miracle to me. That I am alive without my thyroid, the organ that regulates the body, is a miracle! That I regained my speech is a miracle! That I am in remission is a miracle! Yes, I live with the vestiges of thyroid cancer. As a result, my life is so much richer!

Kundalini Yoga & Me

As part of my life shift (aka my healthy mid-life crisis), I decided to first focus on reducing my stress. It wasn't a hard decision since my doctor has been telling me to do this for the past year! She even suggested how to do it - take up Kundalini yoga. And after experiencing a meditation led by Gabrielle Bernstein at Emerging Women Live 2014, I was hooked!

I found a local yoga center that offers Kundalini yoga for beginners and quickly signed up for a class before I could lose my nerve. I know myself -- once I'm enrolled in an activity, I feel obligated to try it! Browsing the website, I noticed the suggestion to wear white clothing for energetic purposes. Huh? I favor black yoga pants and bright shirts. I don't own an all white outfit. I began to worry that I would not fit in! And what if I couldn't do the movements? Would people stare?

Yet, on Sunday night, I rolled out early for the yoga center. As I drove into the parking lot, I could not miss the entrance -- everyone was wearing white Indian garb, complete with turbans. I felt like I was playing the childhood game of "which one of these things isn't like the others?" and the answer was me in my black yoga pants, white top and hot pink shoes! My nervousness being in overdrive, I closed my eyes, breathed deeply, and transformed into my alter ego -- brave Tanya who will try anything even if she might fail. I exited the vehicle and entered the yoga studio.

I was met by the instructor, a lanky elderly white gentleman with a long white beard. He looked like a wizard except with a turban, instead of a magician's hat. I introduced myself and signed up for the 30 days for $30 special for new students. Then, I picked out a bright purple yoga mat and entered the classroom with my newfound bravery, only to stop short seeing the dais with pillows for the instructor to sit on and pictures of a yogi surrounded by flowers. I began to wonder if my mother was correct when she told me at age 10 that she worried that I was her child who was most likely to join a cult.

As the other beginners trekked in, I was relieved to see that I was not the only one with a unique sense of style. My wizardly yoga instructor sat crosslegged on his pillows and encouraged us to do the same. My glutes rebelled, but I persevered. Mind over matter, right? As the wizard led us through breathing exercises and chants, I began to feel calmer, more centered, and relaxed. Given my paralyzed vocal cord, I saw that yoga could also help me with increasing my lung capacity.

We gently stretched our arms and legs in different poses, and then the wizard (his nickname in my mind) told us to push ourselves off the ground while sitting crosslegged, only using our hands for leverage. Needless to say, I tried but failed...my butt never achieved lift off!

At one point, we were laying on our backs, breathing deeply in and out, the wizard began to play gong music. My body totally relaxed, and my mind quieted. And then I felt an inexplicable pressure, like that of a hand, pushing down on my right hip. I knew it wasn't anyone in the room causing the sensation, but I also wasn't scared. I'd like to think that I was being given spiritual comfort while I was in a deepened state of awareness. When the gong stopped, the pressure disappeared.

I surpassed my expectations of my first Kundalini yoga class. I showed up and was seen and wasn't afraid to fail. I will be going back, not only because I want to get my money's worth, but because I felt a calmness that I have been lacking in my life recently. I can understand why Elizabeth Gilbert went on her epic journey to an ashram in India. Not that I would do that...or maybe I would. A life shift is occurring after all. But, would I have to wear all white?

Life is what you make of it

After reading my first blog post, a friend confessed that she struggles with finding her voice and noted her surprise that I did as well. Her next statement stunned me and had me conducting an introspective analysis all week – “You make life look easy.” I do? Really? How? Since when?  How am I not even aware of that? Why am I not aware of that? And then I realized that our friendship developed after my major life events and that maybe she saw me using the coping tools that I gained from those experiences in stressful situations.  

Life is not easy for anyone, but I have come to realize that my life is what I make of it. No one else is responsible for my thoughts and actions but me. I have to be willing to use my voice. I have to be willing to put in the time and effort to assess how I respond to a situation, find tools that will help me cope, and then actively use those tools. Sitting in the driver's seat while cruising down the road of life, I oftentimes see open road and beautiful scenery. But, when I least expect it, there are signs along the road saying SLOW DOWN or CAUTION or DETOUR AHEAD. After these signs, I usually come across potholes, large and small. If I am paying attention to the signs, I am able to navigate carefully around, but sometimes I swerve recklessly. At other times, signs stating STOP or DANGER seem to pop up quickly because a sinkhole is looming right out of sight. I hit a sinkhole once in my life but averted another. I don't like sinkholes. Once is enough for me.

SINKHOLE: I was striving for excellence in my chosen career. I made a determined effort to climb the ladder of success as fast as I could. I wanted to be the best, and I put in the work needed and reaped the rewards. And then my mother became ill. I became Super Tanya, teleworking full-time so that I could care for her full-time – and during Hurricane Katrina no less. And then my mother died. I was grieving, while at the same time managing her estate, dealing with family and relationship issues, being promoted to management and leading a high profile project. With the pillar of my support network gone, I blindly ran the STOP sign and blew through the DANGER barricade. I found myself freefalling into a sinkhole! Yet, with the help of a therapist and my friends, I found coping tools that I began to use and shored up my support network, allowing me to climb out of the sinkhole with their assistance.

SINKHOLE AVERTED: During my thyroid cancer journey and resulting vocal cord paralysis, I began to skid towards another sinkhole, but I managed to stop in time by using the coping tools I had put in my tool box from my first sinkhole experience and learning new ones. I proactively sought out the therapist and spent quality time with my friends. My favorite memory of this time was when I was in isolation following radioactive iodine therapy, and my best friend called long distance every day to read me Elizabeth Gilbert's Eat, Pray, Love. I set up boundaries at work, turning in my blackberry and ending work outside of business hours. I joined a gym to strengthen my body and to help alleviate some of my stress. I learned the importance of my voice and how to use it. In fact, I learned to say NO! I began to laugh more. And most importantly, I began shifting my focus to being positive and living a more wholehearted life.

My life is not easy even if others perceive it to look so. I have to work darn hard at it! I still have a very demanding job and, with it, a lot of stress. Seriously, a lot of stress! Having no thyroid, I deal with medical issues on a daily basis. Of course, there are family and relationship challenges as well. And while I try to eat healthy, there are days that I slide back into stress eating. The difference is that now I am more aware of myself. I listen to my body. I seek out my support network. I laugh every day. If I slip into negativity or stress eating, I focus and do better the next day. And I believe in myself wholeheartedly!

LIFE LESSON: Life is not easy, but your life is what you make of it. Believe in yourself, and don't be ashamed to ask for assistance to avert a sinkhole or to get out of one!

Reclaiming My Voice

Five years ago, I was diagnosed with thyroid cancer, and my life changed. At the time of diagnosis, I had a bolt of clarity that I needed to reassess my life, but the change didn't occur immediately or swiftly. For me, it has been a gradual process of learning, changing, and growing. Little did I know the winding path that I would end up taking or the lessons of life that I would learn along the way.

My cancer is “the best cancer to have” as told by many doctors because it has the highest survival rate. I happen to be in the 1 percent where a specific complication arose. The nerve to my vocal cord was severed when the surgeon removed an infected lymph node that had grown around my vocal cord. It left me with vocal cord paralysis on the right side, limited lung capacity, and no voice. This was definitely not the 1 percent of the population that I was striving to be!

For 18 months, I did not have my voice. I could not speak normally. I could not use tone inflection. I could not scream, but I wanted to on many occasions! I could only whisper – a soft whisper at that. I lost my ability to be heard. Even my dog would look at me quizzically when I gave him a command!

At a year, I was told that the reattached nerve wasn't working and that I would never get my voice back. I was devastated! And then I began visualization therapy on my own. I visualized the neurons firing from my brain down to my vocal cord and then making a sharp right turn down the muscles of my throat. Think Space Invaders with a twist. I did this every day for 6 months. 

According to my doctor, it was a one in a million chance, but the muscles surrounding my vocal cord picked up the slack. While my vocal cord is still paralyzed, I can speak normally and use tone inflection. It took another year before I could scream again, but being chased by Chucky in the House of Horrors at Universal Studios solved that problem! 

During my journey, I learned a valuable lesson. I did not know what my voice was worth until I lost it. And then I began to see how precious it was. I realized that I had not used it properly. I had minimized my voice. Before, I did not voice my dreams. Before, I did not speak up when being verbally abused. Before, I thought I could keep from dwelling on problems if I did not vocalize them. Before, I thought that if I didn't say much, people wouldn't realize that I was not perfect. Now, I speak up if I don't agree. Now, I tell someone if they hurt me. Now, I don't hide my imperfections because they are part of me. Now, I speak of my dreams and work to achieve them. Of course, I stumble at times – sometimes more often than not – and dip head first into my old habits. However, as I become aware, I refocus my efforts.

This blog is the next step in reclaiming my voice. I hope that you, the readers, will benefit from the insights that I've gained but also help me puzzle out the pieces of my life where I don't have clarity yet. I invite you to come along on this journey with me and see where we both end up!