Division of Household Duties

Recently at lunch with some girl friends, we began to discuss our roles and responsibilities in our relationships with our partners. They both felt that they had relationships based on equality, talking about how they divide up the chores around the house. And then I announced, “Ben and I have an agreement. I take care of the inside of the house, and he's responsible for the outside.” There was silence, and then I strained to fill the void. “I'm from the South. My parents had the same agreement, and it worked for them.”

I grew up in rural Alabama in the 1970s and 1980s. My mom was a homemaker. She cooked all our meals, except one Sunday a month when my dad made breakfast or when he grilled during the summer. My mom would always rise before my brother and me to ensure that our breakfast was ready before she woke us up. Until we were old enough for chores, my mom did it all. She made beds, swept, mopped, vacuumed, dusted, cleaned bathrooms, washed dishes, did the laundry, and ironed. She made our house a home. She was my role model.

As I said, my parents assigned chores to my brother and me when we were old enough. Kitchen duties were equally assigned – setting and clearing the table, washing dishes, and taking out the trash. Then, while my brother helped my dad outside, I made my brother's bed, cleaned his room, and did his laundry. And I thought nothing of it – until my freshman year in college when one of my friends was outraged by my admission. Didn't I know that we were in the age of equality? Why would I allow myself to be oppressed? One of the key functions that I identified with womanhood was devalued in that conversation. I personally did not feel oppressed but felt guilty that I didn't. Then, I worried that I was in denial of being oppressed.

Fast forward to today. I am in a loving relationship with Ben, and we live together as partners. Our relationship is perfectly imperfect. It is unconventionally traditional. And it right for us – for him and for me. I know because we discussed our roles and responsibilities before we moved in together, and we check in with one another and adjust if necessary.

What is my role in our relationship? My role is to be true to who I am. With Ben, the woman that I am is predominantly a lover, a nurturer, and a jokester. I love to make him laugh. I derive pleasure from his happiness. It is fulfilling to me to take care of him in a way that I know he appreciates.

After reading the Five Love Languages by Dr. Gary Chapman, we realized that Ben's love language is acts of service. That is, he identifies my love for him through the things that I do for him. He especially loves it when I take time to cook a meal from scratch. Honestly, it is one of my least favorite household tasks, but then I saw it through his eyes. That is why, last Tuesday evening, I found myself in a basic cooking class, learning how to julienne vegetables and to properly cut chicken (at an angle) for a stir fry. And I totally enjoyed myself!

Let me be clear that I am not oppressed, and neither am I in denial. My self-worth is not determined by what Ben thinks of me and my housecleaning skills. It is internally derived knowing that I am satisfying an intrinsic part of my nature – that of a nurturer.

LIFE LESSON: Be true to who you are when determining your role in a relationship.