Body Image

Body image is defined as the feelings a person has about his/her body. I developed a negative body image at an early age, which followed me into adulthood. It started at age 4. I was an early bloomer in having unhealthy thoughts about what others thought of me. I was also a perfectionist.

When I was four years old, my little cousin made her arrival into this world, and I was no longer the baby of the family. I was jealous! One day, she wore only a diaper and a smile that had everyone in my family cooing over her. Desperately seeking to have the attention placed on me again, I decided that I needed to look more like her. So, I took off my shirt. One of my older male cousins spotted me and gave me a severe scolding: “You are a big girl, not a baby! Big girls do not show their titties! Now act your age!” For the first time in my life, I felt ashamed of my body. I had overheard a previous conversation among my cousins about a bad girl who showed boys her tits. So, I internalized that, as only bad girls show their tits, I was a bad girl. I had ruined my perfect good girl status. In that instant, I became self-conscious of my non-existent breasts.

Fast forward to middle school...the ages of 11-13 were difficult. I hit puberty -- my body changed, and my emotions ran rampant! I was one of the first of my friends to wear a bra, and my breasts continued to grow and grow and grow. It was like someone had put Miracle-Gro in my milk! I was a 36C in a 100 pound, 5 feet 5 inch body. And that's when my older female cousins began to tease me, pointing out how big my boobs were in comparison to theirs. Already fragile, I spiraled into shame. I didn't realize that they were envious of me. Instead, I believed my breasts were not normal, gargantuan even! I hated the attention that they brought me and became even more self-conscious. 

If that wasn't enough, in 7th grade, I was diagnosed with scoliosis and had to wear a back brace for three years. I was the freak who had to get permission from the Governor to play middle school basketball because parents, and therefore the School Board, feared that my back brace could hurt their children. Suffice it to say, my negative body image was cemented by age 13.

It wasn't until college that I finally accepted my breasts after realizing that society (um...men) considered them to be the perfect size. Unfortunately, by the time that I came to that conclusion, I had developed another negative self image -- my weight. Yes, I gained the freshmen 15. I felt fat; therefore, in my mind, I was fat.

I let fat define me for most of my adult life. I either dieted or indulged. I mostly indulged as I am a stress eater. I was unhappy with my body. I took another shame spiral when my sister-in-law gave me a weight loss book one Christmas because it confirmed in my mind how others saw me. I hated looking at my body. And, if I didn't love my body, then I was sure that men wouldn't love my body – and therefore me – either. So, why date? For awhile, I didn't.

Being diagnosed with hypothyroidism and then surviving thyroid cancer helped me re-frame my thoughts about my body. As the thyroid regulates your metabolism, hypothyroidism causes your metabolism to slow down, resulting in weight gain. Now having no thyroid, I must rely on the correct dosage of thyroid medication to regulate my metabolism. As I've come to understand the internal workings of my body, I stand amazed! I now eat healthier to give it the proper fuel. I strengthen it through exercise. And while I have challenged myself to lose weight this year, I know that I will never be the image of the lithe supermodel airbrushed in the pages of a magazine. Neither do I compare myself to that unreachable, perfect standard anymore.

Of course, there are days that I backslide – when I look at my bum in the mirror and see cellulite instead of a cute tush. But, in Ben, I have found a supportive partner. He's not afraid to point out when I am backsliding, which helps me re-frame He encourages me to strive to be healthy while not making me feel it's a statement that I am fat. He shows me that I am beautiful when I have difficulty seeing it on my own.

Life Lesson: Only you determine how you picture your body and how you feel about it. If you have a negative body image, seek out support to help you re-frame your thoughts. Learn to appreciate your body for what it accomplishes, not how you perceive it to look.